TNF Horoscopes from Tampa Bay’s #4 Astrologer Chris Coon. Week of April 11

Aries

This month, Seriously, SERIOUSLY, keep your fetishes to yourself. Not gonna happen.

Taurus

AIDS.

Gemini

This month, you’re going to either slip a disc at your job, but be denied disability, or get a killer beej. One of the two.

Cancer

The best part of your upcoming month will be the $28 you find in an old pocket. What a sad, sad life that you lead.

Leo

Wow. You need friends with better haircut advice.

Virgo

You will be able to spin getting HPV into a positive story about yourself, you self-obsessed lunatic.

Libra

You will get the job of your dreams! And you you’ll break both your legs falling down a lighthouse.

Scorpio

You will meet a fantastic new person you are attracted to and they’ll actually date you and eventually you’ll realize that one person really can mean that much to you! Just kidding!

Sagittarius

You will straight up not get into Heaven. That’s not a horoscope for this month, but your life overall. Have fun in Gehenna, trash boy.

Capricorn

You’re really still reading this horoscope?? Idk seems kinda gay to me tbh.

Aquarius

Don’t worry: no one can tell how racist a place your brain goes while you’re driving. You’re in the clear on that. Could stand to use a tic tac though. I mean Jesus Christ, we have noses.

Pisces

I miss you alright. Listen, listen I know I’m drunk but I love you alright?? Does that mean nothing to you? It didn’t use to mean nothing. Fine. Fine, leave me. Hope you have a good life. I’ll put you first in my note since you care so little. Who the fuck am I kidding? You’re not gonna read my note. Fuck you. No you know what… fuck me. Anyway love you bye. Talk to you “soon.”