TNF Horoscopes from Tampa Bay’s #4 Astrologer Chris Coon. Week of May 18

Aries

Based on my assessment of the stars here, hold on let me look at Pluto, ok still in the same house, ok, um hmm… no just one sec…. ah yes! Your future soulmate just died. Oh, ouch I’m sorry, dude. Uhhh hold on, stay tuned though, I feel bad. I’ll try to find you a new one. Not like the real one (real one died) but like definitely someone who’ll think you’re their soulmate. Neither of you will be happy all the time but like, I can definitely get you an intermittent contentness? Check back next month I probably won’t forget.

Taurus

You’ll correct three different people on their grammar, specifically on their/there/they’re, and you’ll be right and you’ll be proud. God, how do you do it? You wake and go to bed as you and… I mean not even one attempt? Props, I guess.

Gemini

You’ll meet an oddly charismatic overweight fake astrologer and give him the dome of his life. It doesn’t have to be me. I mean, uhh, it could be somebody else. Like a different overweight fake astrologer.

Cancer

You’ll get a raise! No wait hold on one second. Sorry the stars are like being weird today. You’ll get a raise…d blood pressure, and a corresponding raise in your likelihood to develop an aneurysm, a deadly condition that we basically cannot prevent. Aw, man the stars must be in a grumpy mood today. I wanted to do a fun one.

Leo

You’ll dye your hair, again. You really have it all figured out, don’t you? The great issues of our day hang in the balance of whether you post an article about them on your instagram story.

Virgo

Like Aquaman, you will gain the ability to communicate with bats telepathically. I’ll warn you though, bats are not a savory group. All they talk about is fruit, and just the worst podcasts. Like, local stand up comedian podcasts. Also have fun coming up with a superhero name because, well, ‘Batman’ is taken. Pretty fucked up, right? This is every virgo in Tampa Bay, not just you, so names are gonna go quick.

Libra

You’ll barely notice how much you regret not getting into Dogecoin, compared to how many things you already regret.

Scorpio

Please wake up from your coma. None of this is real. Daddy, I know you’re sleeping but please wake up. It’s my birthday next week and all I want is my daddy back. Don’t miss another birthday. Please? (Not to break the frame here, you are still very much in a coma, but you got in the coma in a shootout with a black guy who you were being super racist toward. Racist fucking pig. You can wake up if you want but you will NOT be liked on social media.)

Sagittarius

You’ll get a vaccine just to have something to blame your gay thoughts on. I don’t really see how those dots link up, but I’m not here to judge. Just to infallibly predict the future. Which I do.

Capricorn

People will finally see you for the person you think you are! So I hope you have a healthy self image or this will SUCK.

Aquarius

You’ll find a new genre of porn that you really get into. This is not good news.

Pisces

You’ll have a great time catching up with a man you once shared your life with. Seriously you will. Come on, please? I’m better now I swear. It doesn’t have be a long phone call.