Tom Brady gives TNF exclusive tour of luxurious new home
New Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback Tom Brady and his family have taken up residence in the enormous, opulent mansion on Davis Islands formerly occupied by New York Yankees great Derek Jeter. We requested a tour and he said yes!
“Of course you guys can come over and look around,” he said. “You’re not only my favorite news organization in the whole world but the coolest guys I’ve met in Tampa and my new best friends!”
We parked in the driveway out front and were met at the door by a manservant who looked A LOT like Bill Belichick and Tom was right behind him. “Hi guys! That’s Saunders. He does EVERYTHING I say and it’s just a coincidence that he looks like the head coach I played under for 19 seasons.” I asked why Saunders was wearing a gray hooded sweatshirt instead of a tuxedo and Tom thought a second before replying, “it’s casual Friday!”
We proceeded through the foyer where we were greeted by the stuffed body of Carole Baskin’s missing husband, mounted in what looked like a MMA fighting stance on a marble pedestal. “A lot of this stuff belongs to Derek Jeter; I haven’t really had a chance to move many of my own things in yet”, said Tom. “But that’s mine. I bought it the day after I signed the new contract.” He added, “I haven’t even seen Tiger King yet!”
From there, we moved into a giant living area, the centerpiece of which was a macaroni and cheese fountain. “Go ahead and try some,” Tom offered. “It’s fresh, hot and delightful!” I took a spoon and sampled it and it was incredible. “That’s really delicious,” I said honestly. “What kind of cheese? Gouda?” Tom answered, “No idea, but I’ll tell you what it isn’t; Kraft.” At that point, a dozen guys decked out in Buccaneers gear and slamming cans of beer suddenly came out of seemingly nowhere, laughing hysterically, to the point of not being able to function. Tom peeled off a hundred dollar bill for each of them and they disappeared as quickly as they appeared. “I had that fountain installed for the sake of that one joke”, Tom said. “Totally worth it.”
Off that room, we entered a personal movie theater, with state of the art sound and projection systems, showing a stream of Harry Potter movies that were never released to the general public. “These were produced exclusively for me, Elon Musk, LeBron, a Mexican drug cartel kingpin in Juarez, Kanye, Bill Gates and Kevin James”, Tom said. “If you could stay longer, I’d show you the Star Wars films we got. None of that young Anakin nonsense but tons of Jar Jar Binks! Really, really good!”
Upstairs were bedrooms but we weren’t allowed up there. “Sorry fellas, that’s our private living area. No visitors,” Tom told us and we understood. “Aside from folks being nosy and invasive, people are always making jokes about there being a sex dungeon up there and that’s annoying. There are four different sex dungeons up there.”
Tom graciously escorted us back to the front door to bid us farewell, where Saunders was waiting with gift bags. “Just some tokens of my appreciation to my best Tampa pals for your first of many visits to my new crib!” Inside we found a drone, a jet ski in Bucs colors, a live octopus, a Y-Box (you’ll have to wait until Christmas 2022 to learn more about that) and an obviously used New England Patriots drink koozie.
