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University of Tampa Student Won’t Let COVID-19 Keep Her From Ruining Family’s 4th of July

Ruining the cookout

A student at University of Tampa has taken it upon herself to continue making her family’s gatherings unpleasant. Despite being quarantined in Florida, thousands of miles from her parents’ house in Topeka, Kansas, Brittani Meyerson is determined to give her father a “like, wild ass headache. Maybe even, like, a stroke?”

Meyerson, a junior majoring in feminist horticulture and minoring in healing crystals/yogatonomy, usually prepares to utterly ruin her family’s cookouts from the moment her mom sends her the email containing her first-class ticket home.

“It’s even on my vision board,” Meyerson explains. “I have a picture of, like, ruined hot dogs and, like, fifty crying white men. Because, you know, like, hot dogs are patriarchal AF. Really, like, I don’t need to stuff a meat tube down my throat, dad. So, I usually just knock all the hot dogs into the coals and spit in the potato salad. If you want, like, animal products, eat my spit! I’m basically the Malala of Topeka, fam.”

Asked for comment via Zoom, Bill Meyerson, Brittani’s father, explained, “Yeah. It’s been like this going on 3 years. Every holiday, having to hear about rape this, stolen land that, and how Santa promotes a white supremacist ethnostate and is exploitative of indigenous reindeer. It’s like the only time she’s happy is when she’s making everyone else miserable.”

Her mother Martha Meyerson added, “I don’t know. I have started to reconsider some of my conservative beliefs. I am completely in favor of abortion. Now if only I could tell myself that twenty years ago.”

Unfortunately, due to travel restrictions this year, Meyerson will have to be more creative in “dragging dead ass white men” for 4th of July. 

First, she’ll begin with a 4,500 word Facebook post with zero commas or periods and accompanied by a picture of a bloody tampon. The post will have her entire family and her most obnoxious friends all tagged. 

Next, she will call her parents every hour on the hour to blast Lizzo songs and angry activist YouTubers over the phone her father pays for.

Finally, for the duration of the meal the family will eat together via Zoom, Meyerson will shoot fireworks from the tip of her vibrator at a styrofoam bust of Thomas Jefferson. And, for the finale, she will aggressively make out with her roommate while staring intensely into the camera.

“They may say they’re disappointed in me, but I’m, like, disappointed in them!” Meyerson said. “It’s a disgusting holiday celebrating disgusting, like, total creeps! They had slaves-uh!”

Meyerson then checked her iPhone, put on her Abercrombie and Fitch hoodie, and popped on some conflict diamond earrings and said, “And slavery? It’s like sooooooo wrong!”