Skip to content

10 household items you can f**k

10 Things


Grab any pillow around the house and either cut a hole in it, or use a corner of it to stimulate yourself with minimal risk. Worst case it has sharp feathers inside which could cause minor cuts and scars, but for the most part, modern pillows contain safe materials that can go up against any skin including your most sensitive areas.

9. Hole in the wall 

Punch or use a blunt object to puncture the wall.  Once there’s a large enough space you can fill it with garbage and use that as a cushion for your thrusts. Feel free to put whatever you want in the wall hole to your desire. Whatever you think might feel good, let your imagination run wild.

8. Produce 

Fruits and vegetables are natural sex objects and can be used in varieties of ways to pleasure yourself. Use phallic growths and wet cavernous textures of the foods to mimic the feel of a human reproductive organ.

7. Board game pieces 

Board games often come with pieces which feel good and can be stuck in personal spaces. Test each piece carefully to figure out how it can sexually stimulate you.

6. Door knobs

Whether you leave the knob on or off, it’s up to you how you use this mobile pleasure device. The fact that it’s on hinges really bring the possibilities up when it comes to using a door knob as a sex object. Put stuff in the hole, change the knob, whatever you can imagine.

5. Floor

Every home has a floor, no matter what your budget. Even if it’s not a finished floor, we’re all on earth, and the earth below our feet can be manipulated to our liking. Dig a hole in your floor, now you can lay flat on top of it and fill it with whatever you can dream up. Have friends over toe mess with your floor too. Usually the floor is the largest part of our home, so many people can fit on it and do with it as they please. Definitely a good group object.

4. Sex Robot

In your kitchen, near the sink, we usually keep our sex robots. Little, furry, solar powered monstrosities that with the flip of one switch, will become sex monsters dashing around the room sucking and f**king anything they can get their little spiky fingers on. Not sure why we all buy them, the process is kind of violent if you ask me, I don’t like the way they do it, but they are the only sex robots in existence so we’re kind of forced to conform to the sex robot industries rules because there is only one brand of sentient sex robot, and we have to buy it. So yea, your sex robot, you can have sex with those.

3. Pets

In some states it’s not illegal, you can fornicate with your animal. You paid for it, why not right? It looks like it’s smiling when I do it so it’s not like I’m hurting it. Plus I give it treats after so it seems pretty excited now when I pull my pants off because it knows it’s getting a treat soon.

2. 24 On DVD

My catalogue of 24 DVD’s, the TV show with Kiefer Sutherland is something I’ve learned to have sex with a lot. If you can stick it through the DVD hole while you’re not aroused, then once you get aroused the constraints of the DVD hole around my unit makes quite the sexual delight. Feels real nice when I do that.

1. Henny Youngman’s Wife

Henny Youngman’s Wife

While humans should not be considered objets, to draw attention to Henny Youngman’s sexism tone when he says “take my wife” it’s fair to consider her an object because he feels he has the right to just give her away as if she were an inanimate, unliving, object. And that’s what I was drawing attention to with this #1 spot on the list. How things have changed over the years. Not just in comedy, but in society. Sexism, racism, wage inequality. Things are changing, and while it might seem like that change is not happening fast enough, there’s only one world and we can’t spend time wondering what if it was this way or that way, all we can do is take steps to make palpable changes in our every day lives.

John Jacobs

About John Jacobs

MTV Reality TV Star and Award-Winning Tampa News Force Correspondent. Subscribe to YouTube Channel, Follow on Twitter: @MaybachDiamonds Instagram: @MaybachDiamonds