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5 reasons not to move to Tampa

Don't move here

5. You’re annoying

We don’t want you here. You chose to live somewhere else before Tampa, and you probably never even really seriously considered Tampa before, but after our recent success and the collapse of the rest of the United States you’ve come to the conclusion that Florida is the last truly free state on earth so you want to come in on our power and try to ride our wave. Well no-can-do bucko, you need to find somewhere else, because the traffic is bad enough as it is, so just go somewhere else where you can be a bandwagon fan with no true identity.

4. You won’t make friends here

We will smell your lack of authenticity and stay away from you like the plague. You don’t respect our culture and you’re trying to take advantage of our wonderful world we’ve created for your own greedy purposes. This is our land and you will not fit in, so don’t even try

3. You can’t handle it

Be honest with yourself. You can’t handle the life we live down here. It’s an existence of indulgence and piety. You’re not on the level of spirituality that you must mentally posses to thrive down here. You’re confused. Take a look in the mirror for a few hours, analyze what’s brought you to think you deserve this heavenly space, and figure out what it is keeping you from achieving it. Because quite simply, you’re just not ready

2. You will cause a car crash

You don’t know how our flow of traffic works here, and if you don’t already know the roads and the I-4 junction, it’s just not best for the rest of our civilized society to have some neanderthal trying to merge into lanes they have no business being in. You will almost definitely inflict bodily harm on an innocent individual if you move to Tampa, and we don’t need that.

1. You’re ugly

I didn’t want to say it. But you forced me. You’re just unattractive. I know in these trying times, that that’s the last thing you want to hear. Life is hard enough as it is, you’re trying to find somewhere to move, you’re trying to begin a new life, and I have to be the one to break the news to you. It’s true. You’re flat-out ugly. Don’t bother with cosmetics or surgeries, you cannot be fixed. You’re ugly on the inside, which is why it has seeped out into your physical. You need major help and this listicle is not the answer. Search for answers within the location you currently live. If you can make substantial work on yourself, then maybe you can reevaluate your situation in the future, and we then try once again t determine where you should move. But don’t make it Tampa. Because again, we don’t want you here.

John Jacobs

About John Jacobs

MTV Reality TV Star and Award-Winning Tampa News Force Correspondent. Subscribe to YouTube Channel, Follow on Twitter: @MaybachDiamonds Instagram: @MaybachDiamonds