Letter from IRS bodes poor for TNF writer’s future
An email from the IRS was sent to TNF writer Chris Coon, and we’ve published the message in it’s entirety here:
From The Internal Revenue Service: To Christopher Coon, CEO of “Chris Coon’s Flimsy Alligator Tax Shelter,”
I am hereby denying the tax exempt status of your organization. Your mission statement: “Alligators should be more places” does not constitute a public good, and thus cannot gain tax exemption.
We have tried contacting you on many occasions, but the mailing address we have on file is beset with alligators in what may be described as a “quasi-intentional alligator moat.”
Needless to say this email was not our first choice. I must stress that the IRS can only deny tax exemption, not comment on the legality of the remainder of your actions. This is not a perfunctory email; I am asking you as a man, not an IRS auditor, please immediately cease from “dumpin’ loose gators (sic) just wherever throughout the waters of central California,” as reads the Mission statement of the supposably charitable organization labeled “Chris Coon’s Flimsy Alligator Tax Shelter.”
I also take umbrage with the videos posted on your website: “hahasuckitnotaxesforchris2042.com” which depicts yourself in your so-called “Gator Van” simultaneously feeding the alligators handfuls of thrown chicken tenders and recording said video on a handheld phone while in transit across a middle section of Interstate 10. Where and how you acquired and corralled 14 alligators into the back of a 2005 Dodge Astro without injury to yourself is beyond my understanding as a tax professional, but, as I have been losing a good deal of sleep over this, I imagine it is related to the fire at the Fudpuckers in Destin, Fl.
I am a Tax Man; I am not an ecologist, but I assure you that no good can come from the wanton distribution of carnivorous reptiles to waters to which they ARE NOT NATIVE. The assertion on your website that alligators are simply “friendly ol’ scale puppies that just need love” is either demonstrably false or so misguided that it will really cause harm.
This email may ramble here and there but I have had a great deal to drink with my wife having locked me out of my house as a consequence of my apparent inability to stop discussing the alarming events of this case. My marriage has been polluted by the alligators of your actions. It has never appeared to me during this case that you would read or even check an email of this length, but I feel the need to express my absolute disrelish at and detestation of your plan to avoid federal income tax by distributing murderous wildlife without any kind of permit.
And another thing, you know what? My wife is wrong. She’s wrong. You cant feed gators chicken. Wearing sunglasses… ohh look at you! Forgive the familiarity but it feels like youre my only friend: you, the clean crystallizing feeling of my contempt, & jack fucking daniels Alligators aren’t even cool. If it was grizzy bears? Fuck yeah grisly bears rock. Did you know Grizzly bears are only like 2 million years old. That’s so damnn recent!
Yeah I bet you’re readin this like oh I totally got owned by the cool tax guy. Should probly stop. Should probly stop avoiding taxes. That’s you.
Anyway have fun stopping the alligators from being in California. Seriously stop it. You lil scampy scanp. No more alligators. No mas alligatoros. Huh turns out alligator is from the spanish “el legarto” which means the lizrad. Please. No mas alligatoros. Thank you, Signed. Ronald “Motherfucking Horsecat”
Reynolds IRS: Re: “Chris Coon’s Flimsy Alligator Tax Shelter” Hello. I deeply regret the end of that email which was sent to you last night. If you don’t share this, I’ll just let your fake charity go. If they find this email there goes my job and if that goes, then so does my lovely wife Barbara P.S. I don’t even know what a “horsecat” is. -Ron “Regular (non-horsecat) man” Reynolds
