Tampa Walmart Finalizes Deal with PornHub, Will Sell Merch and Subscription Cards

The leading internet porn powerhouse is teaming up with the largest physical retailer in the country in an exclusive deal which will see PornHub merchandise available for sale in Tampa-area Walmarts.

“This deal was a long time coming,” said Walmart spokesperson Emerald Lagassé, an older Italian gentleman wearing a PornHub shirt who is in no way related to the celebrity chef Emerald John Lagassé III.  “I get mixed up with that chef guy who says ‘BAM!’ a lot, but I assure you, I am in no way that man and I am here exclusively to help PornHub get their merch sold in Walmarts across the country.”

A crowd of nearly two dozen people who were waiting in line for the McDonalds inside of the Walmart were in attendance, being forced to listen to the announcement as Lagassé had insisted on delivering the message while standing on the order counter. 

“The corporate shills who run Walmart didn’t think this plan would work,” Lagassé screamed into a megaphone while annoyed McDonalds workers tried to take customer orders.   “Those assholes in corporate told me if I could get ten people to buy a PornHub shirt and sell just one subscription card for PornHub Premium, they might consider taking this nationwide.”

At that moment, a person who looked like a Walmart manager showed up in an attempt to get Lagassé to step down from the counter. 

“They won’t silence us!” Screamed Lagassé as his megaphone began blasting loud feedback loops, causing many in line to scream while covering their ears.  “Now who is with me!”

No one said anything.

Lagassé then singled out a Mexican lady who was waiting in line with her children, “You! How would you and your children like a free PornHub subscription.”

The Mexican lady stood still and looked very confused, almost like she didn’t understand what he was saying. Lagassé then took his shirt off and threw it at her face.   A team of security personnel then showed up and chased Lagassé out of the store. 

Fans of the PornHub website are welcome to purchase exclusive new merch that is only available at area Walmarts for a limited time.