People that hope to fulfill their fantasy of having a family they can have sex with will finally be a few clicks away from making their wet dreams come true.
“We base all of our decisions entirely on popular PornHub keywords,” said Zillow spokesperson, Moe Horshit. “We saw an opportunity to capitalize on some of these keywords and we told our marketing team to run with it.”
Starting today, people renting or buying homes in Tampa Bay will have an option to hire a group of escorts that specialize in very sick, disgusting stuff, to pretend to be their family.
“Our escorts specialize in that new family fetish thing going around,” said Horshit, “Me personally I skip the story part and pretend it doesn’t have anything to do with family. Last thing we need in this world is more step-sister, step-mom, step-dad, step-brother, step-grandmother, step-uncle, step-cousin porn.”
Horshit then gave me a list of all the porn he does enjoy watching.
“I could have lived my whole life without knowing any of that,” I said to Horshit.
“Well how about I take you on a tour of a home and introduce you to one of the pretend families you can rent for sex,” Horshit said to me, taking me by the hand and leading me into the home next to Tom Brady’s house on Davis Island.
Upon entering the massive home, I was introduced to a group of scantily clad 30-somethings who looked more attractive on their internet photos than in person.
“All the escorts we employ are over 28-years-old,” said Horshit. “But they specialize in pretending to be at least a decade younger than that.”
I was grossed out and excused myself to the restroom where I immediately began projectile vomiting. After cleaning myself up I walked out into the living room where I witnessed Horshit and the escort family ferociously pleasuring each other.
“Quick, grab that bucket in the closet!” Horshit yelled at me.
I pretended I didn’t hear him and ran away to Tom Brady’s house. We are currently hanging out playing horse shoes on his lawn.