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Adderall Shortage Grips Nation—Here’s How To Still Get It!


Adderall. On the street, they call it blue girl. Neytiri. Smurfette. Megamind’s mama. Uncle Papaw’s Old Time Thinkin’ Powder. Diet Coke. 

You blast one line of ‘Neytiri’ and they say it’s like having Sihelu with yourself. They probably also have nicknames for the orange ones, but they don’t prescribe me those. 

And there’s a shortage. 

Protests have erupted across the country. Some protest by getting their cars repossessed by the bank. Some protest by getting high on the demon plant marijuana in the early afternoon, and still more protest by posting infographics on their respective Instagram stories. These brave womanish men and mostly women intend to post these infographics day in and day out until this Adderall shortage is relieved. 

Tampa News Force recently scored an exclusive interview with the CEO of Adderall, Danny Adderall.

Reporter Chris Coon: “Mr. Adderall, what’s the reason for the shortage in Tampa Bay?”

Danny Adderall: “Hey guess what? We decided to make less adderall than you guys need, and guess what you’re gonna do about it? Nothing! They don’t have it in Pinellas County at all. Isn’t that hilarious? I’ve been throwing them like TicTac‘s down the drain just for fun just thinkin about all the spazzes like you not being able to do shit. 

Chris Coon, Journalistically: “Wait, so we have enough Adderall but you just like wasting it because it’s fun for you?

Danny Adderall: “Who are you gonna call? The ghostbusters? Batman? Look thickums, it’s completely legal to arbitrarily make it more difficult for you to do shit. And it’s funny! We notice what you and the other spazzes go through and we think it’s funny! Keep it up, fat boy!” Danny then produced an umbrella from his desk and began opening it whenever I started speaking.

Reporter Chris Coon professionally sucking in his gut: “Well sir I’ll have you  -FWOOMP- know I personally took four buses for -FWOOMP- four hours to Zephyrhills because that was the only pharmacy could find to do it but they wouldn’t fill my prescription because I didn’t belong to Zephyrhills community pharmacy.”

Danny Adderall, retracting the umbrella: “Hahahaha you’re kidding right? That’s perfect! Yeah holy shit I mean THAT is exactly the kind of shit we work for here. You’re not saying that just to make my day better?”

Mr. Adderall attempted to give brave reporter Chris Coon a noogie. There was a struggle at first but Chris lost focus and gave in, powerless against the whims of Danny Adderall. 

Danny Adderall: “Hey wouldn’t it be funny if I stabbed you in the arm with this knife?”

Chris Coon timid in a brave yet courageous way: “Sir, can you put the knife down?”

Danny Adderall, brandishing knife: “Why are you scared, you fat little gay boy? Huh are you scared of being stabbed in the arm with a knife, you fat little gay boy fat?”

Chris Coon, laying down the law: Sir that’s quite rude. If you persist in this behavior, I will have no choice but to weep openly. 

Danny Adderall: Listen you fat little gay fat boy you’d lick dextroamphetamine off my slimy dick right now If it meant you could print this pansy ass article in time, ya fuckin moron. So shut your damn Addie hole and listen to Papa when he speaks.

Chris Coon, meaning business: “All right, to be completely frank, I’m not a fan of your current behavior.”

Danny Adderall: Listen, my business is letting [an unprintable word that ends in -etards] like you type out papers and then you say “Thank you Dan. Let me suck suck the dextroamphetamine off of your slimy dick, Dan. Because you’re such a nice Papa, Papa Dan.” That’s what you’re supposed to say you little fat reporter gay fat gay boy fat.”

Chris Coon: “Sir as a medical company, don’t you all feel or responsibility to— Sir don’t you feel— hey stop playing air guitar louder than I’m asking you questions. I can see you don’t have a real guitar you’re just doing noises with your mouth. That’s not even how Californication goes.”

Danny Adderall, now to the tune of Smoke On Water: “Suck. My. Dick. Lick. My. Asshole! Your mouth smells like dick-hole!”

It was then that he pulled out an old Timey bamboo fishing pole that had one Adderall 25 mg XR on the end of the hanging string, and he began swing the bamboo pole until it bumped the extended release pill against my face and he said “Fishy fishy, what’s your wishy wishy?” And when the pill struck me he would make a soft “pah” sound effect noise with his mouth. I responded stone faced. Then when my reaction panned out different than the way he envisioned, he just started whipping me with the string on the end of the fishing pole and then said “You want some Adderall? What’s the matter wishy fishy?

Then Danny Adderall pulled out his five-shot 32 Navy black powder revolver and shot me in the stomach. I said “Hey! knock it off!” Then he shot me in the stomach another time blasting a cap as he went. He chortled in his joy. He emptied the entire revolver in my belly at which point I was pretty peeved and had half a mind to leave.

While I was trying to apply pressure to the anachronistic gunshot wounds I attempted to ask him about programs like ‘Done.’ or other adderall services. Instead of answering me, he pulled something from his desk drawer and began loudly reciting a spell from an arcane tome in an ancient and terrible tongue. At which point, he seemingly gained a bit of weight and assumed my exact form, except his clothes melted into a karate Gi and his eyes appeared to become as lightning, with tendrils of electricity dripping out of his face like the tears of insanity. Then, he took a running start, leaped onto a small purpose-built office trampoline and performed a spinning scissor kick that struck me on the jaw and paralyzed me from the neck down. Then, as I lay bleeding in a crumbled unmoving heap, he produced an rpg-7 from his desk and shot me directly in the chest, which both permanently killed me to death and ruined my favorite pair of overalls. 

My thanks to John Jacobs for transcribing this article via Ouija board. I literally couldn’t have done this without him. 

I have two unrelated notes about the afterlife so far: First, Jesus Christ is real and he is our true lord and savior; now is the time to repent and second, John Jacobs is a really swell guy and you should buy his merch and book him for high paying shows. Any grief you have about Chris should be healthily transferred into monetary gain for John Jacobs, from MTV’s Are You The One. Signing off, definitely Chris. Also Chris, I mean me, is hearby leaving all of my cool Adderall, if I have any, to my good buddy John Jacobs and it would be disrespectful to my memory if you questioned that at all or just didn’t hand over that sweet sweet blue girl. Rummage around in his trailer for it he said it might be in there.

Chris Coon

About Chris Coon

Dedicated Truth-Writer bringing you the Story of the Facts.