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Assparilla butt parade is an instant hit

The inaugural “Assparilla” butt parade made it’s debut this year on Gasparilla, to a fevered reception, drawing praise from all of Tampa.

“It’s the best idea the city has had since Busch Gardens opened!” Said Bernard Mopkins, who was in attendance.

“It was just a never-ending train of ladies with large butts tossing butt-shaped bead necklaces at us, and honestly, I was hard as a rock the whole time!” Excitedly exclaimed Mopkins, which stirred the attention of police nearby who heard him mention he was sexually aroused during the parade which prompted them to arrest Mopkins and place him in a paddy wagon.

The butt parade was the idea of Nevin Luñerez, former owner of Butt Nuts strip club on East Fletcher ave.

“I have a long rotary of women with immaculate asses,  and my uncle was the grand Marshall of Gasparilla one year, so I figured he had some connections, so I just reached out to everyone, and I was able to make the ass parade happen.” Explained Luñerez.

The parade, which occurred immediately after the children parade, feature 600 women, scantily clad, accentuating their posteriors, and clapping along to music, shaking tambourines, and throwing beads to the onlookers.

Some of the women were completely naked, but are prefaced with a warning banner letting guests know that full nudity is coming, so if they’d like to avoid it, they should cover their eyes now.

“The full nude portion was the most popular part of the parade!” Screamed Luñerez in delight.

“I know you’re not supposed to, but you could see numbers of men pleasuring themselves right there in the street on Bayshore, and I’m sure to most people that might be gross or disgusting, but as the former owner of a pleasure club, it brought a tear to my eye.”

Luñerez eyes swelled with joyous tears.

“We’ve already gotten a contract to continue the butt parade for 6 more years!” Luñerez said with glee.

“It was a little uncomfortable when some of the women needed to use the bathroom, but weren’t allowed to leave their positions, so they defecated on the street while marching, but luckily Bayshore is right next to the water so they were able to bend down, grab their turds, and toss them right into the bay! No fuss, no muss!” Luńerez thoughtfully explained.

“What about the incident?” I asked.

“Oh, well… That was just, you know, some people get a little too excited.” Luñerez said, referring to the minor incident which occured, when a group of meninists, protesting the butt parade, made their own little parade which intervened with the butt parade which they called “the pecker parade,” which consisted of these men parading with their genitals out.

“Yea, we weren’t fans of that, but luckily security was able to apprehend them pretty quickly so we could get back to our wholesome butt parade.” Smiled Luñerez, through a tinge of pain.

“That’s not the incident I was referring to.” I said.

Luñerez then leaned back in his chair and looked upwards, pondering what I could have been referring to.

“What are you referring to?” Luñerez asked.

“I’m referring to the moment in the butt parade when a dolphin jumped out of the bay directly onto Bayshore, and a few scared women began stomping it out until it was unconscious, then luckily saved by some of the meninists from the pecker parade who threw the dolphin back into the water.” I clarified.

“Oh.” Luñerez laughed.

“I wouldn’t call that an incident, a few of the women just got scared and caught up in the moment, they don’t dislike dolphins, they were just upset that their heels got dirty and their first reaction was to attack the dolphin, the dolphin has been confirmed fine and unharmed and it didn’t cause too much of an ordeal.” Luñerez stated firmly but friendly.

“Oh ok, that’s all I was wondering about.” I confirmed.

The butt parade will also have a night parade in Ybor the same night as Gasparilla, which has yet to take place, as this article is being written during the afternoon of Gasparilla before the night parade takes place.

“We’re excited for the night parade in Ybor.” Luñerez said.

“600 women with their asses out in Ybor at night? I can’t imagine running into any issues with that.” Luñerez said with a warm intense gaze.

John Jacobs

About John Jacobs

MTV Reality TV Star and Award-Winning Tampa News Force Correspondent. Subscribe to YouTube Channel, Follow on Twitter: @MaybachDiamonds Instagram: @MaybachDiamonds