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“All you can abort” buffet opens next to Supreme Court


An “all you can abort” buffet has opened next to the Supreme Court in protest of the overturn of Roe v Wade, which, for a flat fee, offers people, “as many abortions as they want in one sitting.”

The business is meant for larger groups such as bachelorette parties or kickball teams, where for a minimal fee, the entire group can get as many abortions they want while also dining on some local DC cuisine such as catfish with mambo sauce or juju beans.

“Yea we hate that anti-abortion s**t, so we’re going to perform as many abortions as we can before it’s completely illegal.” Said Jessina Fontaine, owner of Cruelda’s Abortion Buffet.

“It’s messed up to imagine women don’t have control over their bodies so to really stick it to the Supreme Court while we can, we’re doing all these abortions right next to it.” Fontaine made clear.

The buffet is no more than a modified hot dog cart with extended walls built around it like a mobile home on bicycle wheels, however it offers all up-to-code amenities such as bathrooms and hand-sanitizing stations.

“Yea, I built this all by myself with beach wood and argyle tile I found by the dump.” Fontaine said while smacking the side paneling of the buffet.

“It’s only 500 square feet but we’ve fit 16 people in it at one point. It’s not exactly ideal, it feels cramped like when you’re in the back of the station wagon on vacation with your family to the boardwalk, but you know, we make due and we make it work.” Fontaine said with a glorious smile.

Some people are not happy about the spiteful business operating directly next to the land’s highest court.

“It’s an abomination, I don’t like it.” Said Galvin Municipale, the co-chairman of the We Love Babies Organization.

“I like babies, we sell them to the elite to be harvested for age-reversing products, and I think it’s messed up to imagine woman taking away product for our business before we can get it. Do people not think about our jobs and our livelihood? What am I supposed to do if there’s no neglected babies for us to snatch up and sell? Does nobody care about me?” Municipale questioned.

Cruelda’s Abortion Buffet only has an operating license for the next three months, so if you’re considering getting an abortion while also dining on Capital delights, make sure to head down to Fontaine’s business directly on the stage-left side of the Supreme Court.

John Jacobs

About John Jacobs

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