Alternate universe Denis Phillips advises Tampa Bay residents to freak out over Tropical Storm Nicole
As the east coast of Florida braces for impact from Tropical Storm Nicole, which may become a Category 1 hurricane before making landfall and is expected to have a relatively minor effect on the Tampa Bay Area, Bizarro Denis Phillips, a meteorologist from an alternate dimension, is advising residents to freak out.
Denis Phillips, the Channel 28 (WFTS) meteorologist who exists in our reality, espouses a set of seven rules to help people deal with tropical storms and hurricanes calmly and rationally, Number Seven of which says, “Stop freaking out… until I tell you to. We’re fine.” However, Bizarro Denis Phillips only has one rule.
“Rule Number One: Start freaking the fuck out, right now. Lose your shit! I’m telling you, this is it. Most of us are going to die and those who don’t will wish they did”, he said earlier today on his weather report on Channel 82 (WSTFU), before adding, “Gyaaah!!” while ripping his shirt off, setting a desk on fire and fashioning his trademark stylish suspenders into a makeshift hangman’s noose.
Our world’s Denis Phillips is reporting that there will be heavy rain and winds of 40 to 50 mph along the coast and 45 to 60 inland, with possible power outages, minor damage with debris like downed tree limbs across the area tonight and tomorrow, with the worst conditions occurring from 4am to 2 pm. Similar to the kinds of severe storms we experience regularly in the Tampa Bay Area.
Bizarro Denis Phillips is chanting in Latin about preparing our souls for the End of Days and that the harbinger of our doom is named Nicole.
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