Amazon Evacuation Fulfillment Center – Hillsborough County – Wednesday, 7.3.19
In an effort to manufacture good PR ahead of Amazon Prime Day, Amazon has announced a new two day evacuation perk for Prime+ members.
If you are signed up for Amazon Prime+, you and your household can be evacuated to Amazon warehouses within two days of your house being demolished by a Category 3 hurricane or above.
“Amazon wants to make sure that the people who are subscribed to the highest level of Prime are safe,” said Amazon employee Edipus Rexington. “If they are safe, then when the hurricane passes they can live in the fulfillment center with us.”
Rexington extended his hand out to me and showed me around the center.
The evacuation shelter was stocked with Wholefoods meals and filtered water from the actual Amazon.
“We want evacuees to feel like they are on an extended shopping trip,” Rexington handed me a cart and led me around the warehouse, letting me pick out anything I wanted from the shelves.
I grabbed and started to open a box of Frosted Flakes but Rexington smacked it out of my hands before I could get the delicious flakes loose from their air-bagged existence, “You have to pay for that first you imbecile.”
“I thought you said I could help myself to whatever I want,” I snapped back at him while trying to reach for the cereal again, but Rexington stepped on my hand, crushing it against the warehouse floor.
“Look kid, this cereal is for the Prime+ members. Now if you pay for it, I’ll gladly pretend this exchange never happened,” Rexington was now really starting to hurt my hand.
I gathered all of my energy and screamed as loud as I could, “I want my FROSTED FLAKES FOR FREE!”
Rexington stumbled back, giving me an opportunity to slip my hand from under his boot. I spun around and used the momentum to kick Rexington in the chest, sending him flying back into the shelves.
I then witnessed every aisles full of food and assorted goods domino fall to the ground. Hurricane sirens then began blaring off.
“The big one is coming.” Rexington said before eating a pill he pulled out from his pocket.
“What’s coming!” I yelled while shaking Rexington, who began to foam at the mouth and then died.
Suddenly the roof of the evacuation warehouse was ripped off my by a strong gust of wind. I stood looking up at the sky and watched a hand reach down from the clouds, plucking me up from the warehouse and taking me up into the heavens.
When I passed the clouds I found myself floating naked in a crystal sphere. I looked around and saw crystal spheres lined up in every direction, each with their own naked human floating in the center.
Next thing I know I felt a rumble, and then a crash sent every sphere flying in every direction. The sphere flew so fast that it burned up while reaching the speed of light, flinging me out into the cosmos.
At first I was scared I couldn’t breathe but I realized I was one with the universe and that I needed to eat. I swam across space with my mouth open like a whale, letting the star dust collect in my lower jaw.
When my lower jaw filled with dust, I would consume it and immediately expunge asteroids from my exterior orifice. “I guess that’s why they call them asteroids,” I laughed to myself.