While investigating an unrelated news tip, Tampa News Force discovered a secret group of doctors who are attempting to cure COVID-19 patients by forcing them to perform sexual acts with people of the same gender.
“While everyone has been practicing social distancing, we have found same gender unions have experienced lower COVID-19 infection rates,” said Dr. Anthony Fauci, a 79-year-old physician and immunologist with the rocking physique of a 30-year-old man. “Honestly we don’t have anything conclusive and that previous quote you wrote down is untrue.”
I asked Dr. Fauci what it was like to be such a hardworking man with dreamy eyes. He asked me to stop and to step back to at least six feet away from him. I couldn’t help myself, so I tackled him and beat him into unconsciousness. I then dragged his body back to my COVID-19 bunker and proceeded to cure myself of the disease.
When he woke up, he screamed and begged me to let him go so that he could go back to helping patients in need. “I have a press conference to attend, and they really need me!” Dr. Fauci screamed.
“SILENCE YOU WRETCHED BEAST!” I yelled while throwing boiling water from my tea kettle at him.
I then heard a knock at the door of my bunker.
“Don’t you dare make any noise while I’m answering this door,” I hissed at Dr. Fauci before fixing myself up and proceeding up the ladder to the manhole cover that led to the front entrance of my cleverly disguised bunker.
“Who is it?” I asked through the intercom.
“It’s the United States Government,” they responded. “You have something that belongs to us.”
I then heard a loud bang and my door was blasted off; I was then swarmed by FBI agents who arrested me for kidnapping Dr. Fauci. After my sentencing by the judge, I spent a night at a federal prison before they released me because of COVID-19 concerns.
Which begs the question, are doctors curing COVID-19 patients by turning them gay?
No, they are not.
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