Bayshore Drinking Fountains to offer Chardonnay, Red Bull, and Mountain Dew Kickstart

Tampa – Downtown – Monday, 5.6.2019

Construction to upgrade the Bayshore Boulevard drinking fountains is underway. The fountains will now spurt wine, Red Bull, and Mountain Dew Kickstart.

The funding for the renovations comes from Gov. Desantis’ new “Excited Citizens” tax bill. This bill allocates $25 million towards keeping everyone on Bayshore Boulevard happy at all times in an attempt to boost Florida’s social clout.

Desantis stated, “If we are all excited and drunk all the time, especially on the crown jewel of Florida, the longest unbroken sidewalk on earth, we would be very appealing to the rest of the world.”

“I’m excited for the Chardonnay!” Said Vivica Taylor, a Bayshore housewife. “I wake up and jog-walk a small part of Bayshore every day and I always wished I was enjoying the sunrise with a fountain of Chardonnay, and now my dreams have come true!” She clicked her heels and did a cartwheel as a guy on a recumbent bike rode by and gave a thumbs up.

Parker Willis, a guy with really long hair rollerbladed down the sidewalk and stopped to talk to me.

“I don’t do anything all day long!” He said, “I go to college around here, I smoke weed, and I rollerblade up and down this beautiful sidewalk.” He motioned towards the sidewalk. “It’s like snake way from Dragon Ball Z” he said.

I didn’t understand the reference and gave him a confused look until he bladed away while giving me a salute.

Editor note: the author of this article definitely understood the reference.

Tampa News Force Editor

Giant trucks dug large holes in the median where the old fountains used to be and I watched as cranes dropped new giant, neon, glowing machines. Each machine came equipped with three separate nozzles, each for dispensing out its own treat.

“This is a bad idea,” said one of the truck drivers.

“Why’s that?” I asked.

“Trust me kid,” he continued…

Author side note: “I’m 29”

John Jacobs

“You don’t want to know what happens when you mix uppers and downers, my grandma did that growing up and I had to watch her watch Wheel of Fortune while jacked up on all her meds and doin’ lines of Jack Daniels on the kitchen table.” He seemed to have forgotten what he was talking about and jerked back in-line to finish implanting the new fountain in the old ones’ places.

I could see electricity pulsing from the back of his neck, as if he was a robot being controlled with a remote.

Suddenly all the trucks were lifted up by an alien tractor beam, and all the trucks floated in the Tampa night sky on their way up to a giant mother ship!

Oh yea, you thought this story was going to end normal, no chance! This is where things get weird! The editors all quit and now it’s basically Santos and I in this giant journalism warehouse, featuring Clark Brooks and the Bunion twins! Who the hell are the Bunion twins! Sorry I can’t finish one story without going completely off the rails, it’s not my fault, I’ve been drinking from these new water fountains on Bayshore that dispense glowing, neon, liquid that tastes like an alcoholic upper. Wait a minute… Could I be drinking from the same fake water fountains I just mentioned earlier in my fake news article? No way, right? That can’t be. It just… can’t. (I clench my fist hard.)

John Jacobs, author of this article

I shattered the glass in my hand, water spilled to the floor. “Wait a minute!” I said. “I’ve been here before!” I started experiencing wild deja vu. “I’ve seen all of this!”

Suddenly a baseball bat hit me in the temple, shattering a VR headset I didn’t realize I was wearing.

“Like I said kid…” (I’m still not a kid) “You don’t want to know what happens when you mix uppers and downers.” The guy I thought I saw in the truck that was being controlled by electricity and taken up into the alien mothership said.

“Let me guess, you saw me in the game?” He pressed me.

“Yes.” I said.

“That happens,” He sat down in a floating chair and began sipping black coffee. “I’ve been working here for much too long,” he said while taking a long and loud on purpose sip of coffee. “Virtual world,” he motioned towards thousands of rows of an endless VR eye-masks, implying that he’s been there almost as long as the VR eye-masks are endless, a quite clever gesture.

“Nobody escapes Virtual World,” he slumped over, “Nobody.”

His eyes lit up red and he snapped his neck to stare at me. A loud siren began building as the sensation of boiling water heating up whistles from the mans neck. His head exploded and then I woke up in a room covered in electrodes wearing a VR eye-mask that was bolted to my head and I couldn’t rip it off.

I saw a group of people who looked like scientists or doctors behind a giant glass window. I realized I was in some sort of fancy viewing room full or hors d’oeuvre’s and snacks.

“They usually never wake up!” One laughed. They all gathered around the viewing window to point and laugh at me. As their roaring grew louder, I saw the man who drove the truck, and worked in Virtual World. He put a long electric prod to my neck. “I’ve been here for way too long kid,” (I am a kid now) “Nobody escapes Virtual World.” Then he shocked my neck and I passed out.