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Busch Gardens Tampa announces birth of endangered orangutan, now it’s all they talk about

We get it, okay. You had a baby and that’s awesome for you. We conducted an extensive phone survey of residents in the greater Tampa Bay area, and no one cares. 

Busch Gardens insists that their baby actually is special, because it’s an endangered Bornean orangutan. Bornean orangutans are the largest tree-dwelling species of ape and found exclusively on the island of Borneo. But people will only like so many pictures of the same baby before they just keep scrolling in the future. 

In the early days of Busch Gardens, it was all about beer and questionable safety regulations regarding separation of guests and, mostly poached, wild animals. Then it went through its rollercoaster phase, which many still regard as “pretty dope.” But just like many sitcoms in the past, they added a baby and ruined it. 

“Babies belong in the Sesame Street Safari of Fun, not fucking Jungala,” said Carol Fish, a previous annual pass holder who recently unfollowed Busch Gardens on Instagram. 

Despite scientist’s estimation that there are only around 100,000 Bornean Orangutans left in existence, it’s just not enduring to make that your entire personality as a theme park. 

Busch Gardens just isn’t fun anymore. Sure it resumed alcohol sales after a lengthy hiatus following the park’s acquisition by SeaWorld Parks and Entertainment, but this whole baby thing has just made the park insufferable. Weekly attendance is on the decline, many of the park’s core restaurants and attractions have been shuttered or moved to seasonal operation, and Busch Gardens almost never hops on Xbox LIVE. 

Many are speculating that being with SeaWorld just isn’t good for Busch Gardens. Some inside reports suggest that Busch Gardens might leave SeaWorld in the near future and only plans to see the endangered baby orangutan on the weekends.

Michael Fritz

About Michael Fritz

Michael Fritz is a lot of things, but he DOES believe in the holocaust. 6 million Jews were murdered at the hands of Nazi operatives in an effort to eradicate both their faith and race. In his eyes, Michael Fritz believes this was a terrible tragedy and needs to be taught and talked about so it doesn’t happen again. The holocaust was bad, but Michael Fritz isn’t. He writes articles.