Can you chain smoke a bong?

CBD Game Cafe – Pinellas County – Saturday, 4.6.2019

The question of ‘can you chain smoke a bong?’ is finally being answered in the living room of a local mans house in Saint Petersburg.

“My friends don’t think it’s possible,” said Ray Martinez, 26, who owns his own one-bedroom home. “I tell them it is possible, because I smoke all day long, so I figure if I never stop, it’s chain smoking, right?” He looked to his nearest friend on the couch, but he was passed out with his eyes open.

“Every time we play Smash Brothers there always comes a point in the night where one of us says, ‘is this chain smoking, what we’re doing right now?’ because it’s Friday night, and we have no obligations tomorrow, so we smoke for six-seven hours straight, and we get high, and we play video games and run hypothetical questions past each other.”

“Jesse over there thinks you can,” Jesse was passed out with half of his body sitting in a chair and the other half laying on an unplugged waffle iron. “Jesse wake up!” Martinez threw an empty Mountain Dew can at him. Jesse, clearly disturbed, opened his eyes and then laughed a little bit, before putting his head back down on the iron. “Ah, he’s not in the talking mood right now,” said Martinez. “Do you want to hit this?” He said while trying to hand me the bong.

“No, I’m ok right now, thanks.” I said. “My boss will get mad at me if I smoke weed while I’m working.”

“Aren’t you your own boss?” He said, calling me out on my polite fib of trying to get out of smoking weed at a strangers house, so I tried to make up another lie to dig myself out of the first one.

“Uhm, I actually, I do have a boss, and we don’t list him on the website, because he doesn’t want to be named, but yes, I have a boss, and he wants us to be sober when we’re out in the field getting stories.”

“What’s the bosses name?” Martinez questioned me.

“Check Martin,” I panicked, and said a name kind of like my friend Stick Martin’s, because it was the first name that popped in my head and I slightly changed it in hopes that he wouldn’t realize I lied to him once again.

“Listen man, I don’t care if you smoke weed in my house, you just don’t need to lie to me.” Martinez said.

Suddenly his first friend who was sleeping with his eyes open, woke up and shouted, “Victor!” And then he began whipping his head around, searching for his friend.

“Calm down.” Martinez said. “We’ll finish this conversation later.” He said while pointing his finger at me.“Victor left like two hours ago, what’s good Juice?”It turns out his first sleeping friends’ name is “Juice.”

“I left my phone charger in Victor’s car, and if I don’t check in with my mom every few hours, she calls the police and reports me missing! Do you have a charger?” Said Juice.

“For what?” Said Martinez.

“A Boost Mobile Sidekick!” Juice yelped. Jesse, still head on the iron, woke up and laughed, still with his eyes closed.“Haha, no bro, I don’t have a sidekick charger, seriously? Who still uses those?”

“I use it for business!” Juice whined.

I tried to break the tension and get everybody back to the original conversation. “So do you guys think you can chain-smoke a bong?” I said.

They all turned and look at me with confusion and slight disgust on their face. A combination of awe and shock. “Are you kidding dude?” Said Martinez. “Jesse lost his charger, and you’re still worried about that dumb hypothetical? That was like 20 minutes ago.”

It had only been three minutes.

“Well that’s kind of why I’m here,” I said. “To answer the question of, ‘is it possible to chain-smoke a bong?’”

“There’s no real answer to that.” Jesse said while raising his head from the iron, taking a deep breath and coming into consciousness. “It depends on what your definition of ‘chain-smoking’ is, and whether or not that term can apply to this behavior. I mean anything can be done in excess, so if you’re asking, can you smoke excessively out of a bong, the answer is ‘yes.’” He cracked his knuckles, cracked his back, then stood up and started doing core stretches.

“Can you ‘eat too much food?’ Can you ‘drink too much water?’ Sure. Does that mean it’s healthy or unhealthy? Not necessarily either, however depending on what the activity is, it can cause healthy or unhealthy side-effects, it’s all on an individual case basis, and in the case of chain-smoking a ‘bong,’ I guess it depends on what kind of weed it is, how much you’re smoking, what your tolerance is, the volume and speed of the smoking, there’s really too many variables to keep track of in this subjective world for any of us to make a definitive answer.”

That answer sounded deep and resonated with me. I partially understood the message he was trying to get across, so I thanked him and told them I’m going to be on my way, and that I think I have enough for the story.

“Do you want to take a rip?” Martinez offered. “You’re off the clock now, right?” He laughed.

“… I… I guess I can?” I took a respectable bong rip and let the smoke out slowly to show them I’m savoring the experience and appreciate the offering.

“Oh yea, also, the weed is laced with PCP,” Martinez said calmly.

I’m immediately thrown into a panic as I knew I should have trusted my gut and not smoked a strangers drugs, however it’s too late and within seconds the effects are kicking in and I felt stronger and more confident then I’ve ever been in my life. “I need to get out of here!” I screamed. They all laughed, Juice did a backflip.

I run out the front door of Martinez’ house and try to get into my car, but I drop my keys and they land between the slits of a subway grate in the middle of the sidewalk. I hear the subway trains rattling below my feet hundreds of feet below the ground. I try to reach my hand through a grate slit with no success. “F**k!” I yelled.

I then stood up too quickly and passed out. I woke up in St. Roberts convicts hospital, realizing I’ve somehow ended up in the medical ward of a prison facility.

The medical practitioner said, “Have you been chain-smoking a bong?”

And I said, “So you do think it’s possible to chain-smoke a bong!”

“Oh totally.” She said. “I see people come through here all the time, it’s definitely possible, why? Did you talk to Jesse?”

“Yes!” I enthusiastically screamed, happy that someone can relate to what I experienced and went through.

“Yea, he has a different opinion than me, I’m actually his mom, he’s not supposed to be smoking today, I let him do it on weekends, but not during the week.” She shakes her head. “Let me guess, Ray’s house?”

“Yes!” I exclaimed.

“Oh man, those boys… anyways you’re in here because the police who found your passed out body and your blood had traces of PCP, so you’re going to be in prison until your court hearing in six months.”

“Are you kidding me!” I shouted. “Your son was one of the people smoking the PCP bong too, that’s not fair!”

“No,” she said. “They only give the PCP bong to the new guy. I guess you were the new guy. It’s cool though, that means they like you.”

That was supposed to calm me down but it didn’t.

“Anyways, yea you’re going to be in here for a while, you might as well get to know everyone in your cell block and start thinking of ways you can keep the inmates from attacking you or forcing you to be their ‘girlfriend.’”

“I can’t do this!” I said, so I hit the panic button on my VR glove, and my game session at CBD Games came to an end.

“That was the ‘chain-smoke bong experience,’” said the VR salesman Cole Wisener.

“That was pretty interesting, but I don’t think I’m going to be buying that system,” I said. “I appreciate the time though, and I’ll tell my friends all about this place.”

I left feeling uncomfortable, but also a little accomplishment for doing something outside of my comfort zone. As for the answer to “can chain-smoke a bong?” The answer may never be known.