The affiliates in charge of Chick-fil-A’s charity giving fund have announced that they will no longer be donating to organizations that are Anti-LGBTQ.
Instead, the company announced their devotion to the Church of Satan and are moving forward with plans to give $0.10 out of every sandwich sold to Lucifer worshippers, as well as organizations that seek to promote teaching children about the wonders of going to hell.
“Children love fire, and what’s hotter than our Spicy Chicken sandwiches?” said Chick-fil-A spokesperson, Gorgo Abaddon. “Hell is truly a wonderful place, and Christians have been telling people it’s bad without saying why.”
Abaddon and I then headed to Popeyes to grab some chicken sandwiches.
“I hate that there is a line every time I come here,” Abaddon said while trying to rush the workers behind the counter. “The sandwich here is much better than the one we make and to counter that, we had to get the LGBTQ crowd back on our side.”
We ordered our sandwiches and then headed back to the Chick-fil-A down the road. Along the way, Abaddon spotted a group of homeless people asking for donations to the Salvation Army.
I reached into my pocket to give them some change, but Abaddon stopped me.
“This is the organization I was telling you about,” he said before knocking over their collection kettle. He then got very angry and started breathing fire at the homeless people, causing them to run away in fear.
I also ran away in fear and pledged to no longer go to Chick-fil-A. Not because of their stance on anything but because it’s a chicken sandwich, and it’s not that serious.