Crunch Fitness – Downtown Tampa – Thursday, 2.14.2019
Standing in front of the Crunch Fitness in Channelside, city council chairman, Juan Guiterrez holds a megaphone and attempts to gather a crowd.
“Dear fellow citizens of Tampa!” The megaphone emits harsh feedback, the on-lookers jerk back. “As of today, all Tuesdays will officially be declared, ‘Leg Day!’” A few people confusedly clap. “We love the ‘show muscles,’ but we also need the ‘go muscles’ too!” He seems to be referencing a phrase no one is familiar with. He puts the megaphone down and jolts as he sees me running up to him.“Jesus Christ kid! What do you want?”
“I’m not a child actually.” I say. “I am wondering though, why would a city council ‘chairman’ be promoting some weird gym thing and be declaring it an ‘official day’ whatever that means.”
He seems kind of offended. “Listen kid.” He taunts, then grabs me by the lapel. “I’m gonna count to three, and if you don’t spill the beans on the real reason why you’re here right now,” he does the throat-slit motion with his finger, “It’s going to be curtains for you.”
“Like I said, ‘I’m not a kid.’” I stare right back at him, unafraid.
“Well… You’ve got some balls, kid. I’ve got to hand it to you.” He starts mockingly clapping at me, shifting from sincere, to sarcastically devilish, once again. “You want to know why I support some stupid gym promotion, and accept immoral bribes for my political influence? It’s because I actually believe in this one.” He actually gets sincere now. “Look at my legs.” He motions towards his legs. “Look.” I look. Absolute monsters. Huge legs. “I work so hard on my legs. A lot of people…” He tears up. “A lot of people don’t… A lot of people don’t do legs!” He’s having a full on breakdown. Then he gets deadly serious. “There’s guys walking the streets right now who look like Starscream! I’m talking complete upside-down triangle! A walking teeter-totter, thingy…” He gets frustrated because he can’t think of the words he wants to use and begins into a violent rage, flailing his arms about, nearly hitting many passers-by.
The rest of the city council has no idea what the legal implications of declaring a day of every week “leg day” are, however they’re “hoping” that it won’t be anything serious. “Fingers crossed.” Says unnamed city councilman #2. “All I know is that I’ll definitely be working my legs on Tuesday!” Then he gives the thumbs up and disappears into a thick ball of black smoke.
The Crunch Fitness in Channelside will be offering half-off “leg-workouts” on Tuesdays which nobody really seems to understand, however they promise you, “it’ll be fine.” If you don’t have access to a gym, or specifically that Crunch fitness, the city has urged all residents to, “do squats.” It’s been reported that “at home” is a suitable place to do squats on your own.