Dune Panther Kills Family in Indian Rocks Beach

While vacationing in Indian Rocks Beach, an Indiana family of nine was found shredded to bits after they ignored signs to stay off the beach dunes. 

“Those dunes are there for a reason,” said Adam Ploicite, Chief of Police for Indian Rocks Beach. “We can’t control what happens along every square inch of the beach, but we can keep people safe by making sure they stay off the dunes.”

Every year, hurricanes and storms slowly erode the West Coast of Florida. One of the only things that have been proven to protect coastal cities are dunes and mangroves.

“Florida’s wildlife has survived many millennia,” said Ploicite, “The beach is 100% safe until you disturb the dunes or swim into a riptide.” 

While visiting the beach to escape the harsh Wisconsin winter weather, the multigenerational Loyerd Family decided to set up beach chairs and personal belongings at the top of a newly constructed beach dune.

The newly constructed dune sat between the beach and the hotel resort they were staying in. Signs scattered the beach warning visitors not to climb the dunes.

One sign read, “Warning: For the Love of G** please don’t climb on this dune!”

“Many folks visiting will see the large mounds of sand that are far from the beach and wonder why no one else is setting their belongings on the higher ground,” said Ploicite. “They don’t put their stuff there because they don’t want to die.”

Many of the dunes pushed near the roads are meant to keep the nearly extinct dune panther species thriving.

“The panthers that live in the dunes protect the beachgoers from underground sand threats,” said Dr. Mingles Orthepad, a marine specialist at Indian Rocks Beach Marine Life Sanctum. “They are a natural evolution of Florida’s natural woodland-based panther species.”

After returning to their belongings, the entire Ploicite family was mauled and ripped to shreds by a nesting group of dune panthers.

“Dune panthers survive exclusively in the dunes between the resorts and the beach,” said Ploicite. “That’s why you gotta take the walkways even though they are like a half-hour walk away. As soon as the dunes are disturbed, they know it’s time to feed and they will kill anything that disturbs the sand.”

Beach visitors are encouraged to stay off the dunes, only use beach access roads, and quit speeding like they are trying to get somewhere in a hurry, calm the fuck down, this is the beach and people are trying to chill.

“These are wild underground sand panthers, nine feet long, 300 pounds, hungry, and ready to kill anyone willing to disobey a sign that is conveniently scattered every ten feet along the beach/dune line.” Warned Dr. Orthepad. “This is a real wild animal that is near extinction and most definitely not a short-lived punk band that wrote a song called Fuck Rick Scott in the year 2010.”