John Jacobs, one of the head writers at Tampa News Force, is celebrating the milestone of over 500 articles published for TNF.
To help him celebrate we’re going to take a look back at some of his most popular articles:
Retard baby jerks itself off using its webbed toes
This article was the first one that got him fired from Tampa News Force. And it was also his first article written. It was a quick first day at work. He was then unemployed and lived on disability for over 13 years before applying to TNF again under a different surname, tricking the recruiters and getting back in the building. By the time management realized it was the same writer who they had fired 13 years ago, he was already too vital to the company to be let go. So they kept him on.
Doctor cuts off alligators penis and gives
This article got him fired for the second time. He didn’t even finish writing a full headline. As you can see, the reader wonders what the doctor “gave” after cutting off the alligator’s penis. John had already worked with TNF for another 5 years after getting rehired, so they didn’t want to let him go, but they had to, due to all the complaints from the readers. However, after an intense legal battle, John won a wrongful termination lawsuit, and the company was forced to keep him on the staff.
Tampa becomes 16th city to activate demon protocol
This article was written in blood and caused a lot of commotion around the office. People were worried and scared and 15 people resigned in protest of John staying with the company. The bosses had to explain that due to him winning the lawsuit they legally couldn’t fire him for the next 30 years. This was a very upsetting, but pivotal moment in the company’s history.
Monster truck runs over entire bikini contest
This one sticks out simply because it’s the only true article John has written to date. He was skipping work and attending a bikini contest when he happened to witness firsthand, a rogue monster truck, which drove over 16 people who were participating in a bikini contest on the beach. It’s one of the most powerful pieces of writing in modern human history. Most people can’t make it more than a few paragraphs in without calling their families and telling them they love them. It’s truly a work of art, and is considered to make-up for all of the detrimental behavior John has partaken in over his years at TNF.
Mummy found buried beneath Rick Scotts beach house garden
This article was important in John’s writing career because it caused an assassination attempt on his life. Outside influences were not happy that John wrote this article and he was poisoned in his sleep and went into a coma for 29 years. When he woke, Tampa News Force was now legally able to fire him so they did, but by a sheer stroke of luck, he was able to win a second wrongful termination case against the company. TNF went bankrupt after that and was reduced to a staff of 3. Himself, Clark Brooks, and Josh Santos. The current owner of Tampa News Force is the only other person who has anything to do with the company, but he has not showed up to the office for years and nobody can remember who the legal owner of the company is anymore.
Thank you for helping us celebrate John’s accomplishment of writing over 500 Tampa News Force articles! Cheers to another 500!