Family avoids holiday stress by committing suicide
The Haperdeen family, Jacob, Camille, and their two children Rudy and Melton, have decided to avoid the stress of future holidays, by committing suicide as a unit.
“Buying gifts, wrapping gifts, driving family from the airport, having those get-togethers with our extended families, it’s just too much!” Said Jacob Haperdeen.
“So we’ve agreed, it would all just be easier, if we commit suicide, as a family.” Smiled Haperdeen while hugging his wife and patting his son on the head.
“Yes, we talked it over, and the juice is just not worth the squeeze, per-se.” Grinned Camille Haperdeen, as she exchanged snide glances with her husband and children.
“So that’s why we’re all going to ride SheiKra, the rollercoaster at Busch Gardens, without putting our seatbelts on, so during the first drop, we will all fly out of our seats, hundreds of feet below the ground, and plummet to our deaths, all at once!” Jacob Haperdeen exclaimed, rallying his family around the sentiment.
“Hooray!” The children cheered in glee.
“We’re going to go splat!” Said Rudy Haperdeen, only 5-years-old.
“Don’t get us wrong, we love each other very much, and we love being a family, that’s why we’re going to do it all at once, so we can be together in heaven forever.” Explained Jacob Haperdeen sternly.
“Yes, we don’t see this as a somber event or any sort of negative occasion. We’re just going to cut out the stressful minutia of mortal life.” Chimed in Camille Haperdeen.
“We just finished the 2022 holidays though, now it’s 2023. You won’t have to deal with holiday stress for an entire year, are you sure you want to commit suicide as a family right now at the beginning of a new year?” I asked the Haperdeen family.
They all looked at each other and mulled over the question.
“I guess that’s kind of a good point.” Said Melton Haperdeen, making it the first thing Melton had said so far during the interview.
“No, no, that’s not a good point.” Neighed father Jacob Haperdeen.
“It’s easiest if we do it now, so we don’t have to stress about the act of us taking our own lives all year.” Jacob Haperdeen said, fixing his eye-glasses which had gotten flustered.
“Yes, exactly.” Agreed Camille Haperdeen, trying to get the entire family back on board again.
Suddenly the two children, Rudy and Melton, darted for the front door of their families house, but Mr. Haperdeen lasso’d both of their legs together with a bull whip he had holstered to his hip.
“Now, now, boys.” Scolded Jacob Haperdeen.
“We made a commitment and we need to follow through with it.”
The children did not like the plan anymore.
“I want to live!” Shouted Rudy.
“Yea, me too!” Agreed Melton.
“Fine!” Yelled father Jacob Haperdeen.
“Well you’re not going to do it in this house then! Good luck on the street! If you don’t want to die by my rules, you won’t live under my life. Kick rocks!” Mr. Haperdeen coldly clamored to his kids, clapping his hands in their faces to push them out.
Mrs. Haperdeen then began crying.
“Oh, you too?” Said Mr. Haperdeen.
“Christ, when does it end!” Complained a frustrated Mr. Haperdeen.
Camille then slinked out of the room without alerting her husband.
“I try to do the best for my family, and this is how I get treated?” Said Mr. Haperdeen in a threatening manor, carousing about the living room.
Camille Haperdeen appeared back in the room without Jacob’s knowledge and swiftly cracked Jacob Haperdeen in the back of the head with a two-handed hatchet she had fetched from the garage.
The blade end of the hatched lodged into the back of Jacob’s head, silencing him, before he dropped to the floor, dead.
“Nice mom!” Cheered Rudy Haperdeen to his mom, tears dissipating from his eyes, now that the situation has changed.
“Yea, grade A, mom!” Joined in Melton.
The remaining members of the family hugged and rejoiced now that the father had been killed by the mother.
“This was all very disturbing and traumatic.” I said.
“I was just here to do an interview and I just witnessed a murder.”
“Oh, did you now?” Camille Haperdeen questioned me suspiciously, brandishing the bloody hatchet.
“Uhm… No, never mind. I didn’t see anything.” I changed my mind.
“Good! Well then, thanks for stopping by! We look forward to reading your piece on us in your publication.” Smiled Camille Haperdeen brightly.
“Yea, yea, of course, I look forward to writing about it.” I said.
And now that I finished recalling everything that happened, I see I still included the murder of the husband even though I implied to Camille Haperdeen that I wouldn’t talk about it. So oops! I guess that’s just my journalistic integrity then. Can’t help but follow-through with the truth of the story. Sorry! I hope she doesn’t get in too much trouble. Those kids need at least one parent Id guess. Oh well! As of now, the family did not commit suicide unless something changed since this interview.
Wait, I see my office voicemail is blinking, let me see what that is. Oh boy. Yea. It’s Camille Haperdeen saying that they actually are still going to go through with the suicide. And I can hear the clanking of rollercoaster rungs in the background, so I’m guessing she left this voicemail while riding to the top of SheiKra at Busch Gardens. Oh well! So I guess they did die after all, so I don’t need to change the headline.