To crack down on abortions, the Florida legislature has released new guidelines for travelers, including a ban on roundtrips for pregnant women.
“With the passage of the six-week abortion ban, every woman attempting to travel out of Florida with a roundtrip ticket will be subject to a piss test to determine if they are pregnant,” said Florida Governor Ron DeSantis during a press conference at a popular ice cream place in Winterset, Idaho.
“I have activated the Florida National Guard to conduct 24/7 checkpoints at every road along the Florida/Georgia border,” said DeSantis while scooping ice cream out of a bowl with two fingers and fingering it into his mouth. “Every woman is going to be forced to pee into a cup and fill out a questionnaire so that we can keep tabs on them. If they leave pregnant and come back not pregnant anymore, guess what, we’re going to charge them with murder.”
DeSantis detailed the new rules while plugging his upcoming presidential campaign tour. He is currently not scheduled to return to Florida any time soon.
“There is nothing wrong with women traveling, in fact, we are encouraging women to travel when they aren’t pregnant, and we would like to see them come back pregnant and raise a child in Florida,” said DeSantis while sucking on his fingers with his face covered in chocolate ice cream. “Not saying there is anything wrong with Winterset Iowa. There may be only 5,385 of you in this town but if you vote for me, I promise to piss test every woman in this State too.”
DeSantis then thanked the three people in attendance and took off.