Florida Police Announce ‘Guns for Mask’ Program

In an effort to supply more citizens in Florida with the N95 mask, the Brandon, Florida, police department has set-up a ‘Guns for Mask’ exchange to encourage gun owners to turn in their guns for a 10-pack of masks.

“The hell I’m giving up my guns for something my wife can crochet together,” said fellow gun owner, Militle Peipe. “You would never catch me wearing one of those masks, unless I was at my workshop, and even then, I love the fumes because they get me kind of high.”

At the Brandon Police Headquarters, a lone officer stood outside the station by a repurposed fruit stand with a sign that read, ‘Trade your Gun for 10 Masks” that was crudely scribbled on the wood with a sharpie.

“You came to trade in a gun?” The officer asked me with a big smile on his face.

“No, I came to ask why you are doing this.” I said in a very journalistic tone.

“Oh, I’m not exactly sure why we are doing this,” the officer said in a very surprised way. “In fact, you are the first person to stop by our stand today.”

“Do you expect anyone to trade in a gun for a pack of masks?” I asked him.

“No.” The officer said flat out. “We don’t think Floridians are capable of caring for their neighbors and they all pretty much only look out for themselves.  Asking them to turn in their guns is like asking them to sacrifice their first born.”

“Well then why are you out here doing this?” I asked him again, in a more aggressive way while flashing him the gun I had strapped around my waist.

“I have no idea,” the officer said.  “I’m assuming no one has read this far into your story and they are basing their opinion on your headline.  In fact you suck. You’re writing is awful, and I hate you for writing this story.”

I was offended by how that officer was treating me, so I whipped my gun out, placed it on his fruit stand and asked him for a pack of masks.

“I can’t get these anywhere.” I said to the officer, who tossed me a pack of masks before grabbing my gun with a trash grabber claw and disinfecting it before taking it apart and throwing it into a recycling bin.

Anyone in Florida who wishes to turn in their guns can do so…what am I kidding, you’re not turning in your gun.