Florida Republicans Vow to Violently Defund Education

After announcing sanctions against school districts that impose mask mandates, Florida Republicans have announced a plan to fully defund public education.

“These school districts are trying to protect children from something that isn’t even real,” said Florida Governor Ron DeSantis during a joint meeting with Florida Education Commissioner Richard Corcoran.  “It’s time that we de-militarized the public schools in this State and force parents to unmask their children!”

Commissioner Corcoran announced a plan to send law enforcement to forcibly remove children wearing masks from classrooms.

“Parents that send their kids to school wearing a mask are going to have to pay up,” spewed Corcoran all over the press table. “Until we receive payment from the parents, masked children will be kept in those Mexican kid cages.”

To fund the new initiative, pro-mask schools will be closed and have all their equipment auctioned off.  Any school that requires students to wear a mask will have their principal arrested. Teachers that support mask rules will also be arrested and have their assets seized.

Corcoran says all the money raised will be used to buy bigger guns and faster cars for police.

“The left wants to defund police, but we need the police. What we don’t need is students learning how to be leftist,” said DeSantis.  “My goal is to make sure no more public schools exist in Florida. If you want to raise a child in this State, you’re going to have to send them to one of Corcoran’s preferred charter or private schools.”

Florida hopes to fully transition away from public schools and ensure all students are enrolled in some type of for-profit school.

“We’re tired of paying teachers to indoctrinate our children,” said Corcoran.  “Personally, I homeschooled my children because I didn’t want them to get bullied like I did.”

Corcoran then went on a tirade about tax cuts, regulations, and school choice. He then began sobbing and got really emotional. 

“Children should only be wearing pants diapers, not mouth diapers!” Screamed Corcoran.  “If it were up to me, we would send in the National Guard and shoot every child wearing a mask point-blank in the face.”

The press room was stunned by this quote but Corcoran tried to double down, “I said if it were up to me, but it’s not.  That is why the best I can do is not give them any money.”