As more and more people flock to Florida, Governor Ron DeSantis seeks to slow migration from other states by implementing a comprehensive immigration exam. In order to take up permanent, legal residence in the state of Florida, applicants will have to successfully pass a battery of tests that the Governor colloquially refers to as “The Crucible”.
“First and foremost, we have to be sure they know all the lyrics to at least three Jimmy Buffett songs,” a spokesperson for the Governor’s office said. “And none of that ‘Margaritaville’ nonsense. We’re talking B-sides and rarities. You have to be a real Parrothead if you’re going to go 10 under the speed limit with your blinker on all the way down I-4 during rush hour. And that’s the kind of citizen we’re looking for.”
There will also be a written exam, which will ask challenging questions about the rich, storied history of Florida. However, due to budgetary constraints, applicants are expected to bring their own crayons to fill out the answer sheets. Questions on the exam involve Florida historical figures ranging from Ponce de Leon to Carole Baskin. And, on the other side of the exam, would-be citizens will have to solve a maze to get an anthropomorphic waffle back to his family of maple syrups.
Meanwhile, one of the most unique aspects of the proposed Florida immigration exam, the obstacle course, appeared to be a repurposed set from the show “Wipeout” which was combined with a track from “Hole in the Wall”. The course is said to be “nearly impossible to get through and more than a little humiliating” and “heavily inspired by the current U.S. immigration policy”.
“Look, if people want to come to our great state to work at call centers, massage parlors, and souvenir shops at below poverty wages, they’re going to have to earn it. Who knows? Maybe, just maybe, if they really try, they’ll be able scrape out just enough to park their ‘Buy Here, Pay Here’ shit heap car a couple miles from a private beach once?” said Dottie McHugh, one of Governor DeSantis’s aides, before she raced away in a Dodge truck with massive blue nuts dangling off the bumper.