Florida Governor, Ron DeSantis is making headlines again, after trying to win back his base by stopping an abortion physically, by standing in between the patient and the doctor.
“I need to rally my base!” Shouted DeSantis as he wrestled with the nurse.
“Ahhhh!” Screamed the woman who was supposed to be receiving an abortion.
Security ran in shortly after the Governor snuck in and tried to prevent the procedure, and were able to restrain the lawmaker and take him out to his car where he was released and allowed to go back to doing whatever he wanted.
“I’m going to drive to another clinic now” Said DeSantis.
“There’s plenty in town, if I try to hit up every single one, I’ll definitely get my paparazzi moment of me being a hero, to my base that is.” DeSantis said out the side of his mouth as he covered one side with his hand.
Whether DeSantis was able to physically stop another abortion is unclear as he was never reported at any other clinic however he was found passed out in the back of his car behind the Valrico Chuck-E-Cheese, with a nearly fatal case of alcohol poisoning.
“Aw f**k I s**t my pants again.” DeSantis said in a statement to an officer who was required to drive the Governor back to his mansion and tuck him in for bed.
“It’s a crooked system.” Said Jenkins Melfoy, the officer who found the passed out Governor and had to drive him home.
“We actually get in trouble for every interaction we have with politicians, it’s supposed to deter us from ever holding them accountable.” Melfoy said.
“I accidentally busted Senator Scott the other night receiving oral pleasures from a zoo animal the other night. I was required to drive him to the nearest McDonald’s then act as his chauffeur for the rest of the night as he went club hoping in Ybor. The ‘southern’ part of Ybor if you know what I mean.” Melfoy continued.
“If it were up to me, these people would be held accountable for their actions. But I mean nothing too bad you know, I like these guys too, their fun. As much as they inconvenience potentially millions of people due to their own inabilities, I still can’t help but be entertained by their antics. All in all, I’m happy I get to do what I do.” Melfoy said positively.
Then Melfoy turned around and was escorted into a blacked out van and he seemed very uneasy to get in with whoever was coercing him.
There is expected to be no legal repercussions for any of the reported behavior, and I’m not sure why my boss has me report on this kind of stuff if nothing is ever going to change. I honestly might quit this job. Don’t tell my boss, I don’t have the courage to bring it up yet, but seriously, I’ve been looking around at a couple other satire reporting jobs, and they seem much better. Unlimited access to their Sauna and Jacuzzi. At TNF we only get 3 Sauna & Jacuzzi hours per week, I usually try to split it evenly between both, but sometimes I pass out in the sauna after hot boxing it. Oh shoot don’t tell my boss that either. I’ve already said too much, I’m going to end up being escorted into a blacked out van like Melfoy was. Ha ha, that’s funny I referenced what happened earlier. Alright goodnight guys.