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How to make 6 figures in 6 seconds!

If you want to make hundreds of thousands of dollars in mere seconds, look no further than slot machines! Within 6 seconds you can make 6 figures. That’s how easy it is! All you need is luck!

This is less of a news article and more of a philosophical think-piece. You think about it. And then you stop thinking about it. That’s how thinking works.

But you don’t need me to explain that to you, you’re reading right now! If you can read you can think.

You also don’t need to know how to read to think, you do it naturally, even when you don’t want to.

You can’t stop it.

Even when you try, you can’t stop thinking.

Some people can, like when they meditate or whatever, that’s supposed to be the gist, that you can pause your thoughts and “clear your mind.”

Can you believe that bulls**t?

“Clear your mind?”

What a load of horse crap.

You think I can actually stop my brain from wrinkling?

Fat chance.

You don’t know s**t if you believe that.

I’m telling you, there is no answer, for anything.

My right hand pinky hurts really bad because I tried pulling a hangnail and ripped part of my cuticle out and it hurts like f**k. I’m pissed and it’s ruined my life at the moment.

When I type it hurts.

But I need to type.

It’s my job!

I wish I could clear my mind AND my body.


And I just realized the glass that I’m drinking tea from is the glass I use to wash my paintbrush in when I’m painting so there’s little dots of paint inside my glass. 


Also, I’m drinking hot tea from a glass because I don’t have any mugs.

I had one mug, but I didn’t clean it quickly enough after using it one time and like some mold got in it and I tried cleaning it a bunch of times but I can’t get the mold out.

That broke my heart. It was a good mug. It still is a good mug, it didn’t do anything wrong, it’s my fault.

I let it become contaminated. 

My damn contaminated mug with mold in it.

So instead I accidentally drink out of a glass with paint splatters in it.

What can you do?

At this point I’m shocked if you’re still reading.

I know who reads this.

There’s maybe 5 people in my life who have told me they read this.

But I don’t mold (different kind of mold) my articles around that. I don’t veer them towards the people I know who read them. Because that would taint the art.

And I already have enough things in my life contaminated, I don’t need more.

That’s why I started playing slot machines and making 6 figures. I needed a change. An easy one that would fix all my problems. And boy was it.

Money out the wazoo, and it flows like cranberry sauce at an Italian Thanksgiving. And you might think, “what part of cranberry sauce is more prevalent at an Italian Thanksgiving?” And I’m not going to answer that question.

Because this isn’t “answer your question” hour in my article. It’s make 6 figures hour. 

All we care about is getting right right now.

That’s all.

Nothing else.

How do we get rich right this second with little-to-no effort.

I’m telling you how.

Slot machines.

It’s so easy even a kid can do it.

That’s why they don’t let them do it.

Casino’s have a 21 age-minimum, because they don’t want children walking out with big bags of money. You have to have lived on earth for at least 21 years to enjoy the benefits of 6 figures in 6 seconds.

And while I must be honest, it does take a little more than 6 seconds. There’s the game animation which plays when you win, the casino manager needs to come out and take down your information, the pay out needs to be issued. It may take about 6 minutes actually. The 6 seconds is the initial spin. But from spin to cash it will be around 6 minutes. So if you have the time, I’d say it’s worth it.

I understand if you don’t have the time.

6 minutes is much different than 6 seconds, so I don’t want you to feel like you’ve been scammed by this article because it promised you 6 figures in 6 seconds. It’s 6 figures in 6 minutes. You got me. Lock me up if you want. I lied to you. It’s 6 minutes not 6 seconds.

But the cash is still the same. So that should quell your rage. Just please break me off a stack of that change you make when you do because I think I deserve it for pointing you in the right direction. In fact it would be morally bankrupt of you not to share the wealth with me. I made you who you are. You would have nothing without me. That’s the thing. You try to help someone out and now they don’t want to help you out. It’s crazy. Nonsense world we live in. It’s not fair and it’s not right. But it is the way it is and you will not change it, nor will I. And that’s fine. We like it that way. Anything else would be unnatural. And we like things to be natural. We also like things unnatural. We like all things. We just have preferences.

This article might feel like I’m tired, or “off my game”, but I promise you, you’re wrong. I’m perfectly on- OW MY PINKY! AHHHH!!! IT HURTS!!!! F**K! My pinky hurts! It’s like infected or something because I ripped something from the corner of it when I was trying to pluck the hangnail. 

Why are things hard for me! Sure other people in the world are like living underground without water or electricity trying to lace together some form of designer boot or whatever for zero figures a week, but my problems are more relevant because they’re happening to me. And the world, most literally revolves around me the same way it revolves around you. It revolves around all of us.

And now, at this point if you’re still reading, I just feel awful, like I’ve done something wrong. You shouldn’t read this, nothing is coming at the end, there’s no beneficial finale or anything. So you can just call it quits now if you want, I won’t be mad. In fact I encourage it. Stop now! Stop reading this! Stopppppppp readdinggggg thissssssssss!

Did you stop?


Because you don’t let people tell you what to do?

Exactly. That’s the mentality to have. You’re welcome, I just educated you and inspired you and enlightened you. I am a guru. A pure classical genius in every sense of the definition. Now you may rest and go about your day, fulfilled with the ancient knowledge which has flown from this article into your consciousness. Your stream of reality has now been influenced by my chakras. I hope, nay, I know, this will enrich your life and bring it to a much higher vibration than it was at before. I know this for sure, %100. Now I need to go write an article, for real, which will be much more coherent and cohesive than this one. This one sucks. I suck. I suck my own- never mind. I don’t suck anything of my own. That’s physically impossible right? So don’t even joke about it. Can you imagine me, laying backwards trying to do something to myself? I can’t.

And you shouldn’t either.

Good morning folks.

(I’m tired of people saying good night to end things. Time isn’t linear, and night does not signify an end, the same way morning does not signify a start, so I can very-well say good morning to end something, instead of saying good night. I hope all your eggs are not cracked when you get home from the grocery store.)

John Jacobs

About John Jacobs

MTV Reality TV Star and Award-Winning Tampa News Force Correspondent. Subscribe to YouTube Channel, Follow on Twitter: @MaybachDiamonds Instagram: @MaybachDiamonds