In an unprecedented move, the Category Four hurricane working its way up the Gulf of Mexico, Hurricane Laura, has filed the necessary paperwork to be registered as a third-party candidate for the 2020 U.S. presidential election. Due to beginning her whirlwind tour in the U.S. territory of Puerto Rico, Hurricane Laura is a natural born U.S. citizen and is easily older than 35 in hurricane years, according to Noah McNeilly, spokesperson for Hurricane Laura’s campaign and reseller of coupons to New Port Richey pizzerias.
“Some people wonder if we’re ready for an historic first in the office of the president. And I think that’s close-minded,” McNeilly explained. “There’s no way a hurricane could be more destructive to America than the current administration.”
Others are concerned about the possibility of electing a days long meteorological event for a position with a four year tenure. McNeilly counters that these concerns are “largely unfounded” and that “our vice presidential pick had to be extremely stable and capable of continuing the position for years after Laura inevitably dies out. That’s why we’re running a Hurricane Laura/COVID-19 ticket. Rest assured, we’re not going anywhere.”
“I just think the whole thing is ridiculous,” said Bethany Remington, McNeilly’s neighbor and purveyor of poodle couture. “I mean, the coupons this guy sells don’t even work. I gave this clown three bucks for 20% to Margarita’s Pizza and Air Hockey right off Moog Road. I went in, and it was a Tires Plus! I can’t eat no tires! The man is a fraud and a Charlie Chaplin!”
Still, Hurricane Laura continues her campaign through the southeast. This week she should be going through Louisiana, Texas, and Oklahoma. Meanwhile, COVID-19 continues to get support for the Laura/COVID ticket across the country and has especially strong numbers in Florida, a key swing state.