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Illuminati begins accepting applications


The worlds most powerful, secret society has begun accepting open applications from anyone in the world who would like to elevate themselves into the uber elite.

The statement, which was sent out to every inbox on earth, states “if you have some sort of extreme important value which you believe entitles you to live like royalty, please respond with the reasoning why and we will get back to you shortly.”

The message goes on to detail, “Upon acceptance, you will be sodomized on film during initiation, strictly as a safety precaution for us to control you and make sure you never turn against us. This is standard procedure which has gone on for generations prior, and is nothing to worry about. You will also have to pledge your everlasting soul to us and pray to whichever God we chose for you to worship, which you will then do everything in the name of, and serve for eternity. Again, standard procedure for the 1% of the 1%.”

The message is relatively vague but promises, “You will get to live lavishly with no consequences and be loved by all. And you will be protected by a black ops police team which will neutralize any sworn enemies who are not part of our organization.”

Do you have what it takes to join the illuminati? So far, we do not know of anyone who has been contacted back after submitting an application, however it may just be part of their requirements that you are not allowed to share the good news even if you get it.

Good luck to everyone who applies!

If you can’t find the Illuminati application message it may be in your Spam mail. 


Hey everyone, this is an anonymous administrator in the actual illuminati, and we came across this comedic story and we’re just stepping in to make it clear that, no, we are not taking any applications. We will reach out to you if we believe you are fit for our organization. This article is satire, so do not expect an actual message from us. The sodomy is accurate though, we’re pretty surprised he guessed that part. But it doesn’t matter, we could tell you exactly what we’re doing to you and you wouldn’t be able to do anything about it. Alright, just stopping by to say that, now you can go about the rest of your day. Funny website though!

John Jacobs

About John Jacobs

MTV Reality TV Star and Award-Winning Tampa News Force Correspondent. Subscribe to YouTube Channel, Follow on Twitter: @MaybachDiamonds Instagram: @MaybachDiamonds