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Jesus returns, says Tampa is the best

Jesus at Trinity Cafe

The prophet Jesus Christ has returned from heaven to Tampa, and claims that Tampa is the holiest place on earth, and is actually where the majority of the Bible took place. When someone from the crowd asked, “What about Bethlehem?” Christ responded, “Where?”

According to Christ, he lived most of his life in Tampa, and even had his famous water walk right off Bayshore.

“This area where you’ve built the building for sick people is where I walked on water. And right by that building with the Arabic steeples, that’s where I fed the poor with only a few loaves of bread and fish.” Christ explained.

“I’m not sure exactly why the Bible claims I’m from that part of the globe,” Jesus said to the mass of enthralled onlookers. “I don’t really know exactly what’s been going on down here, I had a brief rundown before I came back down, but so much has happened, I really don’t know what anything really is.” He said.

“You’ve got to understand, time works differently for us, it’s all subjective, and I guess what you guys measure as thousands of years doesn’t really translate to what we experience in heaven, I can’t really articulate in words what I’m trying to say because conceptually your minds wouldn’t be able to comprehend how complex the intricacies of heaven are. It’s a completely different existence.” Christ said.

Since Christ’s return he has been volunteering at the Trinity cafe on Nebraska avenue serving food to the homeless and washing people’s feet.

“Never get tired of this.” Christ said.

“Back when I was here the first couple times, I spent all day every day making people feel better and bringing hope into their lives. It’s my favorite thing to do! See whereas God has made all of us specifically unique and different and perfect, he created me with this insatiable sense of charity where it fuels my being! I literally can’t rest until I know I’ve exhausted my body to it’s full potential helping people. I don’t know why he didn’t just make everyone this way!” Jesus laughed.

“Yea, I’m not really sure how long I’m going to be here this time, God doesn’t really tell me that, I just kind of work, until he decides my work is done. Also, all politicians who claim they know me, I don’t know them, I don’t know most people, I’ve only personally interacted divinely with about 90-100 people over the last 2,000 years, and I guarantee it wasn’t any politicians.” Christ laughed again. He has a great sense of humor.

“I also haven’t paid attention to any media since I’ve returned.” Christ said.

“I was made to ignore all sort of comments, all that matters to me is how I make positive change in the world, if that upsets others, that’s none of my concern. If people spent as much time helping others as they do on social media, the world would be fixed literally in moments.” Jesus laughed again loudly.

“In fact, I can see an infinite amount of possibilities and scenarios kind of like Doctor Strange, I got to see that movie in heaven, and I know that if every able person in the world dedicated their life to helping others, everyone’s work day would last 15 minutes long, and we’d all have giant mansions full of abundance and joy… But that’s just an idea. I don’t know what’s going to happen in this world. That’s the fun! That’s why God keeps it around, it’s exciting to watch! Nobody up there knows what’s going to happen. We can imagine it. But there’s only one world, and one existence in this realm.” Christ then paused for a moment in silence, then laughed again really loudly before going back to washing a guys feet.

John Jacobs

About John Jacobs

MTV Reality TV Star and Award-Winning Tampa News Force Correspondent. Subscribe to YouTube Channel, Follow on Twitter: @MaybachDiamonds Instagram: @MaybachDiamonds