If you’ve driven down US-19 in New Port Richey this past summer, you’ve likely noticed the bright yellow object in the left turn lane by the Publix. The long, slick plastic tarp is actually a homemade Slip ‘N Slide which belongs to Keith Bolling, resident of the trailer park across the street. Some citizens deemed it a blight, but, this week, a county judge ruled otherwise.
“The danger the slide itself presents is minimal,” said Judge Archie Reinschmidt. “It’s a toy, for God’s sake. How much damage can it do? Although I don’t view Keith’s slippy slide to be a problem, a number of motorists have narrowly avoided careening into him and his kin as they played. And, honestly, it’s likely they were doing something truly dangerous – like texting. Or, worse, carpool karaoke.”
Judge Reinschmidt’s decision went on for several pages before ultimately getting to the point that Keith’s Slip ‘N Slide should be treated no different than emergency response vehicles. Therefore, going forward, in Pasco County, “Motorists who encounter a man and his kin enjoying a sunny day by using their slippy slide on the highway should move two lanes over, if practical. Barring that, at least one lane if they can’t comfortably merge. Or just slow down if they have New York plates and don’t know how to drive in a state with freedom.”
“I mean, it’s just ridiculous,” said Akira Watanbe, a shoe salesman from the Payless Shoe Source across from the Publix. “All that wasted water.”
Other citizens were more concerned about the precedent this decision set. Katie Hefron voiced her concerns on the Nextdoor app by saying, “If this manchild is allowed to use an unlicensed toy on the highway, what’s next? Bars where people can sing ‘Wagon Wheel’ at karaoke with impunity? Twenty year old men with mustaches having the chance to accidentally impregnate a woman? The law is supposed to protect us from this sort of thing.”
For his part, Bolling simply said, “Some folks asked, ‘Why don’t you just put it in your yard?’ And I have to say, it ain’t my yard. Sure, I pay a lot fee, but there’s a septic tank under where the slide would go. And, honestly, I’m a bit of a germaphobe. I didn’t leave the trailer, not once during COVID. All 7 weeks. Hell, I coat the slide in Purell. Keeps it safe for everybody.”
“My dad’s doing this the right way. And I’m glad the court saw that,” said Keith Bolling Jr. The sores and lesions on Keith Jr. bubbled and oozed, he struggled to stay conscious as he mumbled out, “My dad’s a good man. And it’s good clean–”
“He’s probably just tuckered out from having such a good time,” Keith Bolling explained as he scooped up his shivering son. “I’m just happy no harm’s gonna come to my little guy because we’re doing this the right way.” Bolling tousled his son’s hair as Keith Jr. drooled down the back of his father’s tattered Mike Alstott jersey.