Local Man Overdoses on Hooters Wings

The Original Hooters – Pinellas County – Saturday, 4.13.2019

A Pinellas County resident almost died today after consuming too many wings at The Original Hooters.

“I usually just do 40, but this time I did 55,” said Shermin Williams, a Boise Idaho transplant who moved to the area for a job opportunity.

“I love the Hooters wings,” he said while lying on and EMT gurney and pulling his oxygen mask away, “And it’s not just because I like staring at the girls huge cans.” He then struggled to hold his arms up to his chest to motion a “large breasts” expression, but because he was a morbidly obese man, his natural breasts were much larger than the ladies who worked there. The irony was lost on him as he continued suffering an aortic hemorrhage.

Williams has been known at the Hooters to “order a lot of wings,” as one waitress put it.

“He orders a lot of wings, “ said Beatrix. “Yea, he comes in and looks at us, and it’s fine, because we’re used to it, and even though we kind of rag on the customers and call them creeps, we also kind of like the attention, even though it’s a creepy gross kind of attention, although some guys who come in are decent, and I actually met my husband working here.” She held up her hand to reveal a wedding ring. “My last boyfriend showed up to my work to yell at me, and my current husband saw this going on and fought the guy, and that got me really hot for him, kind of like our wings!” She laughed really hard at her own joke, but her voice was so shrill that it was hard to enjoy the punchline. “But yea, anyways, Shermin was nice, and I’m sorry that he died.” I told her that he’s not dead. “Oh, ok.” She said before going back to work.

Williams was raced to St. Jennifers Hospital, where he underwent a “de-boning,” a process in which doctors physical remove the chicken wing bones from his stomach manually, reaching down his throat with their arms, pulling the bones up one at a time. A procedure which takes up to 6 hours, and has been performed on a regular basis, especially in areas with less expendable income.

I waited in the ER For Williams’ procedure to be completed so I could finish my interview with him, however doctors told me to leave because only “friends and family” were allowed to visit patients in the hospital and not some “random fake news reporters.” That kind of hurt my feelings, and I said, “How do you know I’m not his friend?”

The doctor with a full-sleeve tattoo said, “Because you have no friends.”

I left the hospital, kind of down because I wanted to cover the news but the doctors were mean to me. I couldn’t understand why. Then I realized something. The doctor with the full-sleeve tattoo had a name on it. “Beatrix.”

He was at the Hooters earlier in the day and saw me talk to her, and heard her laugh, and must have felt threatened because I made his girlfriend laugh, and because he was insecure, he took out his unwarranted micro-aggression on me by telling me I wasn’t allowed to talk to Shermin, and that I, “had no friends.”

I laughed. “That’s funny,” I said to no one while standing in the parking lot of the hospital. I started kicking an empty coke can and some rocks. “I did 55 instead of 40,” I said to myself, re-quoting Shermin from earlier in the day. “40 wings already sounds like 39 too many,” I said, and laughed to myself.

I paused. “I have friends,” I said, again to no one, the lot was mostly empty, and the nearest person was at least 60 feet away. “I’ve got plenty of friends, like Santos, and Matt,” I realized that I’ve listed off my roommates, and they have a geographical responsibility to be my friend; an obligation to be my friend. I start questioning my friendships. “Do they even like me?” I looked down at a dirty puddle of water mixed with motor-oil and other runoff gasoline-like liquids. I got on my hands and knees to smell the puddle. Right as I bend down, I heard a couple fighting in the distance. I looked up to see Beatrix and the full-sleeve tattooed doctor fighting on a balcony.

I couldn’t make out what they were saying, but it sounded like it was escalating. It ended up with her slapping him in the face, back and forth, at least 6 times, hard and fast, then she stormed out balcony. The doctor saw me watching down in the lot alone and then did the finger-across-the-neck motion, like he was going to kill me.

As Beatrix came out of the hospital she sees me and recognizes me from earlier in this article. She was crying kinda.

“Beatrix,” I said, while gazing down at my shoes and swaying back and forth with my hands in my pockets. “Are you my friend?”

“Yes.” She said.

“That’s nice!” I said.

Then we date for 5 years and part ways after a very toxic relationship.

Anyways, Hooters has claimed that to compensate for Williams’ troubles, he will be awarded “Free wings for life.”