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Marco Rubio to become a pedophile so that people will talk about him


In an effort to become more relevant within his party and generate much needed media attention, Florida Senator Marco Rubio has announced that he is a pedophile.

“I love fucking kids,” said Rubio to thunderous applause from the GOP base he so desperately wants to be accepted by.  “Whenever I see a child, I get horny.” The crowd in attendance at the press conference then went wild.

Rubio joins a growing list of all-star Republican politicians who also identify as pedophiles. 

“Our base doesn’t care what we do, so it’s kind of hard to get noticed sometimes,” said Rubio who is most famously known for drinking water from a bottle wrong.

With the most recent Supreme Court leak signaling the end of Roe V Wade, Senator Rubio denounced the leak but was happy that the law of the land is being overturned.

“Roe V Wade stopped children from being born, imagine all those kids I could be fucking right now had the Supreme Court got it right the first time,” said Rubio who excused himself to go rape some more children.

Josh Santos

About Josh Santos

Writer and award-winning videographer and documentarian. Instagram: @HashtagSantos