Mayor Castor Vows to Accomplish Nothing for Four More Years

Tampa’s Mayor celebrated her upcoming victory in the 2023 municipal elections during a dinner this weekend where she touted her lack of accomplishments to a crowd of supporters.

“For the last four years, Tampa has become more expensive, crowded and impossible to get around,” said Mayor Castor to the three people in attendance.  “I just want to say that when poor people get fired because they can’t get to work, and then evicted when they can’t afford rent, it makes me happy.”

As part of her reelection campaign, Mayor Castor has endorsed her own mother-in-law for the City Council in an effort to continue doing nothing to help the most vulnerable citizens in Tampa.

“These poor folks are going to wish they wrote somebody in for Mayor,” said Mayor Castor with a hearty laugh.  “The reason I am running unopposed is because if anyone opposes me, they will have a gun opposing them…In the face.”

Mayor Castor then winked at me, took out her gun and began tongue kissing the barrel.

 “This has been a hard fought election, I’ve sent some text messages out to remind folks who to vote for because obviously, no one is paying attention to this,” said Castor during a rare moment of honest transparency. “This city is controlled in secret by a select group of folks who know when everything is happening, and that is how we like it.”

When asked how more Tampa citizens can be involved in their local government, Mayor Castor laughed at me and then signaled for me to come closer to her. When I approached the Mayor, she pistol-whipped me in the face, knocking some teeth out and breaking my nose.

“Don’t ever try to organize people in this city,” she said while wiping my blood off her gun. “The citizens of Tampa don’t need to know or care how this city functions. As long as Gasparilla is still happening, they don’t care what me or the people I’m selecting to be in the City Council do.” 

Tampa’s Municipal Elections are this week and voters are encouraged to waste their votes by writing-in someone else for Mayor, but Mayor Castor says that anyone who does not vote for her will be put on a list. She says she will personally visit and pistol whip anyone who writes-in something funny like “The Dog from Air Bud” or “Any Homeless Person”.