Tuesday, March 7, 2023 is Tampa’s Municipal Election. This election will secure jobs for City Council members and the Mayor, as well as provide residents a chance to vote on amendments to Tampa’s Charter which means something, I guess.
Only 20% of eligible voters participated in the previous 2019 municipal election, so if you don’t vote in this one, you can’t complain about anything in Tampa for the next four years.
If you need help on who to vote for, use this handy guide to get you through the ballot.
On the ballot this year we have current mayor Jane Castor running unopposed. So we are endorsing the “Berries and Creme guy from that one Skittles commercial” to be the Mayor of Tampa. If everyone writes-in “Berries and Creme guy from that one Skittles commercial” then the City of Tampa will be forced to pay that weird guy from that one Skittles commercial over $100,000 to do all the big mayor things in Tampa. This includes cutting ribbons, making weird bets with cities we are facing in sports playoffs, and doing nothing for poor people. The other option is writing in the actual opponent, Belinda Noah, but if she is such a big opponent, then why can’t I just circle her name? Things aren’t adding up here, and I would much rather have that Berries and Creme guy run this city.
City Council – District 1
There are four names in this race, but the only one that matters is Alan Clendenin. Joe Citro is the incumbent, and I’ve seen his name for far too long yet I don’t know what he looks like. I looked up a photo of Joe Citro and I got a photo of the Camel guy. This made me want to start smoking cigarettes again. I quit cigarettes for years, and I still occasionally slip when I’m really drunk and someone near me is puffing on them. Personally I would rather be puffing on some of that other stuff that gets you high, but smoke is smoke. Anyway, I skimmed Alan Clendenin’s profile and he seems like a chill guy I could drink Kratom with.
City Council – District 2
Here we have another tough contest, four people to choose from. At first it looks like a small group of losers who were all bullied in school, but Mike Suarez has seen our film “Plane Train” and he loved it. So we love Mike Suarez on that fact alone. I will be voting for Mike Suarez and not looking up any of the other three people, because why bother? Being a City Council member must be boring as heck, sitting in that big cold room listening to citizens complain about lawns and water usage. Yeah, let’s have Mike do it, he’s a good guy that likes that boring stuff.
City Council – District 3
This is the big one. This district is so popular, they have five names to choose from. Mayor Jane Castor will have you believe that her own mother-in-law is the best option here, but Janet Cruz couldn’t even win reelection for her Florida Senate seat. Why would we want a loser that now has to bat in the minors? That is why Tampa News Force is endorsing Lynn Hurtak. You might have recently seen mailers calling Hurtak a liar, and we like that here because all of our stories are lies. Game respects game, so Hurtak, we see you girl, let’s get you on that City Council!
City Council – District 4
South Tampa’s district is special because I can’t vote in it. I don’t live there and I don’t care who they vote for, but Mayor Castor texted me something about voting for Blake Casper. First of all, I ain’t voting for no friendly ghost. Second of all, I think he owns a bunch of McDonalds and one of those yuppie coffee places that kicked me out once for looking like a homeless person. If you live in this district, I suggest lighting your house on fire and using the insurance money to buy a van and go out and explore the country while working remotely.
City Council – District 5
Doesn’t matter who you vote for here, the police in Tampa are still going to be paid big money to treat citizens like wild cattle when they close Ybor at 3 AM. Mayor Castor doesn’t like Orlando Gudes because he is trying to help people, that is why she texted me about Gwendolyn Henderson who is someone that will be paid big money to say keywords like “secure our streets” and “lower that rent”.
City Council – District 6
We have some names here that sound fake, Hoyt Prindle and Rick Fifer are who you would vote for if we lived in a video game version of Tampa. Thankfully, the area in this district is mostly AirBnB’s, so candidates will have to split the 10 or so votes from people who have lived there for generations.
City Council – District 7
This will be the incumbent Luis Viera’s third term, and he has announced to his family that they will finally get that hot tub installed in the backyard. His family is very proud of him for keeping this job during such uncertain times.
Vote yes on all of them, they don’t matter and nothing is going to be done to make Tampa more affordable, safer and easier to get around. This election is a scam to provide a handful of popular people with a nice salary for a couple of years.
I think I hear a knock at my door, looks like the police are about to execute a search warrant at my house so I have to wrap this article up. We hope you vote, but guessing by the lack of enthusiasm in the community, nobody knows or cares what happens locally in government.