Meh, Boomer: TNF for grown folk – March 1, 2020
Hi. I’m Clark Brooks, a correspondent and the Senior Supreme Executive Premium Content Editor for Tampa News Force. I’m also a Baby Boomer. Barely – February 6, 1964 – but just inside the official range (born between 1944 and 1964). Obviously, I’m the oldest contributor here at TNF, which is a fine site and I’m happy to be here. But as is a problem throughout society, there are too many young punks running their yaps about things they think are important. What happened to the good ol’ days when you could sit out on your porch with the Sunday morning paper, throw the ads in the trash (NOT a recycle bin), enjoy a couple of pieces individually wrapped hard candy and mumble under your breath about the ethnics playing their techno-rap too loud? Probably cancelled by some smart-ass, PC-sensitive Millennial.
Well, guess what? Those good ol’ days are back, starting here and now! Each week, I’ll take a mature and sensible approach to summarizing the week in news from Tampa News Force, without all the millennial hoo ha ha! So drag your PC out onto the porch, call your daughter to help you connect to the internet outdoors, grab some Jolly Ranchers, keep an eye on that one kid riding his bike and wearing a hooded sweatshirt and enjoy this first edition of Meh, Boomer: TNF for grown folk!
Sunday, February 23
TECO to begin party trolley on weekends – Remember back when a party was stealing a six-pack from your dad’s fridge, hanging out behind the football stadium and listening to Van Halen? Good ass times! Now, it’s getting high on Angel Dust and grinding naked bodies together. Pass.
Hudson Man Protests Universal Healthcare Because He’s “Not Currently Sick” – This is just common sense. If you’re not sick, you don’t need healthcare.
Castor blames cold weather for bad mood – Man, I just don’t know about this Castor being the mayor. I mean, sure, equal rights for everyone. And I don’t care that she’s a lesbian, as long as she doesn’t try to molest me. But word is she’s also a woman.
Monday, February 24
Jesus returns, says Tampa is the best – Hey, what’s the difference between Jesus and pizza? Jesus can’t be topped! Hiyo!
Local Filmmaker wishes his latest masterpiece was Korean – Did you hear the President say we should bring back “Gone With The Wind”? That’s a good idea and we should do it because he’s the President.
Tuesday, February 25
76 Buccaneers preparing to celebrate Vipers first win – These pansies could learn a thing or two from that Bucs team. What are they doin’ out there? Flag football? More like fa– never mind.
Jet ski accident leads to promposal – What’s another name for a jet ski? A boatercycle! Woop woop!
Wednesday, February 26
Scientist son of prominent Tampa lawyers perfects cloning technique; promises law office on every corner – Lawyers are useless. Did you hear about the man who sued an airline company after it mislaid his luggage? He lost his case. I’ll never forget the first time I met my clone, though. I was beside myself with joy.
Pro athlete exempt from being a role model – These clowns are just a bunch of spoiled millionaire, wife-beating drug addicts. How dare they say they’re not role models?
Thursday, February 27
Alcoholics Hall of Fame erected in Valrico – Hey, what did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini? “Olive or twist?”
Win tickets to see the Vipers LIVE with Tampa News Force! – Sure, “free” tickets. They getcha with the taxes! Say no socialism!
Friday, February 28
Florida Manatee protection statute re-worded – What did the radio announcer say when he saw the manatee crash? “Oh the hu-manatee!”
Tampa: City with the largest dicks in the country – This is a subjective opinion. If you disagree, I guess you have a boner to pick.
Now THIS is comedy!
Saturday, February 29
Jane Castor declares April 1st “Tampa News Force Day” – Yes, Jane Castor is the mayor of Tampa, but do you know who is the leader of the Kitty Communist Party? Chairman Meow. Wocka wocka!
See ya next week, folks!