Mons Venus – Hillsborough County – Friday, 6.14.19
The world famous gentlemen’s club, Mons Venus, has sponsored a NASCAR for an upcoming race. The car will dawn a custom-painted hood featuring the clubs logo, alongside a scantily clad woman on a pole.
“It’s just what the sport needs,” said NASCAR development chair, Michael Hogan. “When the club approached us with the idea, we nearly jumped out our boots! Combining fast cars with beautiful, nearly-nude women only made sense!” Hogan pounded the table in excitement. “This may come as a surprise, but our fans love naked women! It boils their red-white and blue blood right up!” Hogan excitedly looked to the heavens like a hungry dog, “And they couldn’t have picked a better racer to sponsor!”
Mons Venus sponsored Jake Boner, who drives the #69 car for Pennzoil. Boner was famously in the media when he was thrown out of a Jacksonville strip club for trying to force the strippers to watch him taser his nuts. When the strippers refused, in a drunken stupor, Boner tried to taser a stripper poll assuming it would shock the girls off the poll. However, it only prompted the security guys to knock him unconscious.
Ever since the video of that moment first appeared on Twitter, Boner became an instant star and started doing appearances in strip clubs all over the country, gaining many sex-toy sponsorships, and he has even been a featured speaking extra in a plethora of upscale soft-core porn films, such as his cameo in, “Burning Rubbers 12” and his role as the antagonist in “Checkered Flag Honeys 3.”
“I couldn’t be more pumped to drive the Mons Venus car,” said Boner while scarfing down a Subway sandwich. “I like to have a good time and drive hard, and this is the perfect car for me.” He pointed to an empty bottle of viagra in the back of his car. “I really like to drive hard! And I keep it lubed up too!” He started break dancing, but nobody liked it.
Suddenly a security guard saw Boner and yelled at him, “I already told you Boner, don’t stick your head in here!”
“That’s what your wife said!” Boner shouted back.
The security guard started chasing him around the strip club in a Benny Hill, Three Stooges-style fashion before tackling him into a pile of empty rosé bottles.
“Ouch the glass shattered into my back!” Boner screamed.
“It’s in my hands too!” Shouted the security guard.
They both helped each other up and walked to the bathroom together to clean their wounds. They walked back out a few moments later, arms around each others shoulders, laughing like buddies.
“So you’re saying that you only wanted them to tase your nuts because it was some sort of Jason Statham ‘Crank’ situation, and you needed someone to jack up your heart rate?” I overheard the security guard saying.
“Yes! I’m not sick! Even though my last name’s ‘Boner!” Boner laughed loudly with his mouth open. “I mean I am sick too, if you know what I mean!” He went up for a high five, but the security guard didn’t WHOA I’VE BEEN TRANSPORTED TO A WORLD OF MIUSIC AND MAGIC WHERE THE KEYBOARD IS ALWAYS LOCKED UP! I SAID MY KEYBOARDS ALWAYS LOCKED UP! THE CAPITALS ARE ON FULL BLAST BABY! SOMETHING’S TERRIBLY WRONG HERE, I CAN’T ESCAPE THIS ETERNAL CLUB OF CONFUSION WHERE THE COWS COME RUNNING HOME EACH NIGHT
Sorry about that. I have a rare condition where my hands start typing wild nonsensical music lyrics in all caps sometimes. It doesn’t happen too much, and I should be good for the rest of the storI CAN’T STOP SINGING MY MAGICAL JUICEY STORY ABOUT THOSE ELEPHANT ANTLERS ON THE YOUNG TINY SILVER MUSHROOM RABBITS IN THE BACK OF MY BROTHERS FORD EXPLORER! YEA! AW YEA! BABY! YES. OH YES! I CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT THOSE FRICKIN CHICKEN FINGERS! OH MY LORD THOSE WONDERFUL HAND CRAFTER CHICKY FINGYS! PLUMP LITTLE DAISY DUKES IN THE WINTER! Oh my God I’m so sorry! I was trying to write an article about Mons Venus sponsoring a NASCAR and I’ve sullied the truth with my unstable hands. My damn hands. Well my doctor said if my Chronic fantasy hands came back, I needed to take two weeks off, paid vacation. I know Tampa News Force doesn’t do vacations, so odds are they’re just going to fire me, because they’ve made it clear, that I’m only as good as my hands are sturdy. And these hands ain’t so sturdy no more boss. These hands need a break. Yikes. Poor hands. Ok, I think I should end the story, before I have another flare uNDER THE RADAR
IS WHERE THE BIRDS FLY HIGHIE A AY! LITTLE WILLLOW CANYON CREEK CAN YOU COME BACK OVER TO THE FLUTIE MANSION! ZIPPY GUM GUM CANDY DROP BABY PUSH THAT STROLLER UP THE GOLD STAIRS! HOW MANY DOCTORS CAN THE TALL MAN HIDE UNDERNEATH THE PILE OF ok I think it stopped. Sorry about that. If you don’t see another story from me, that means the hands won. I’ll put up I fight. I promise. I PROMISE!