Riverwalk – Downtown Tampa – Saturday, 3.9.2019
In a surprising new development nobody saw coming, Tampa is getting its very own muscle beach in the center of Curtis-Hixon park!
You heard right folks, the excitement is warranted. Citizens will finally have what they’ve always wanted, a venue to work out in public, outside. The project is being designed and constructed by the founders of the original muscle beach in California.
“It’s really a dream come true,” says Tim Tyler.
“I currently workout at my college gym.” Tyler points across the river to a Harry-Potter-looking building lit up like a Disney Ride.
“I go to UT,” he takes a drag from his Juul. “I love working out. I love life, I love positivity, I love energy.” he continues as he high-fives me and interlocks his fingers with mine.
“To be able to get my pump on, in public, in the sun, havin’ fun, with my boy-toy broski-adioskiiii’s.” Tyler motions as if he’s surfing a wave, but it’s cool. “Do you want my number? I need to study later but I could skip it for a bit to get a drink at Hooch?” I leave.
The park is expected to draw a daily crowd, onlookers will be able to watch citizens get fit in the sun, by the river, for absolutely no monthly payment.
“Yea, whereas the California one on Venice beach actually has a membership fee, this is a city project, no monthly fee,” says council chairman, Blaire Taylor.
“Anyone’s allowed to walk in and work out, and I mean anyone,” she says as she slides her glasses down to make unobstructed eye-contact with me. “We’re going to allow anyone to come in and lift these free-weights, and we’ve actually been working on energy-harvesting projects to try and get something back from this, if you know what I mean.”
Council chairwoman Taylor begins doing the universal “money” sign where she rubs her fingers around.
“We let people in the ‘muscle beach’ use the free-weights, we attach electrodes to their muscles while they work-out, we upcycle that energy to power the museum and parts of downtown.” She leans back in her chair, “You think we just ‘do things’ for fun? You think we ‘do things’ because people want things to be done?”
She holds her breathe for a moment. “Well we do!” She laughs. “Why so uptight!” She slaps my shoulder, “Jeez, loosen up a little, for a comic, you’re pretty stuffy.” Then she does something that I’m not allowed to talk about under threat of physical violence.
Some citizens think the new public gym will be an eye-sore. “I take my kids out here to play frisky!” Says Kalbert Broccoli. “We loved the open fields! It was fun! We don’t need a bunch of muscle heads muckin’ up our good old-fashioned family-fun time!” He melts into a pool of sand.
Construction on the muscle beach expansion is expected to start sometime in December, but with the city, guessing it will be more like May.
The construction team has been asked when they plan to start construction but declined to comment. “No comment.” The construction company spokesperson said. “It’s none of your business when we start. And we will not. I repeat. WILL NOT. Let you know when we want to start. Or finish. I SAID OR FINISH. We make the rules around here. Not you. Aside from that, we have no comment on the situation.”
Will Muscle Beach 2 get built? Tampa News Force will try to update you on the future status of the project as time passes. I think I might see what Tim’s up to. I bet he’s not even studying.