Néstle Releases New Contaminated Glass and Pepperoni Pizza Hot Pockets

Nestlé Prepared Foods unveiled a new Hot Pocket flavor today at a maskless Gala ceremony in Weeki Wachee, FL. 

“We are proud to announce that our incredible team over at Hot Pockets really outdid themselves this time,” said Néstle President Skanky Kong.  “For years we have wondered, how do we get our customers to remember us long after they are done eating?”

The massive crowd of investors were packed in listening intently to Kong, who was in the middle of a TED Talk like presentation.  

“Yeah, sure everyone jokes about the diarrhea part,” Kong says to scattered laughter and cringy nudging. “But these new Contaminated Glass and Peperoni Pizza Hot Pockets are going to make sure of that!”

Kong thanked the crowd as they stood up and gave him a 17-minute-long standing ovation. 

“Also, these cocksuckers as the USDA who keep trying to classify our shit as a health hazard situation because of extraneous materials, specifically pieces of glass and hard plastic in our Hot Pockets can suck it!” Said Kong who then dropped his microphone and began to do the worm on the stage.  

Everyone in attendance began screaming and losing their minds. A DJ came up and started blasting Reggaeton. 

“What’s up everybody, y’all ready to have a good time!” Asked the DJ to the crowd who gave off a wild cheer. “That’s what we like to hear, now listen up we have a special guest here tonight but he wants to know if you’re ready, so if you’re ready let me here you scream!”

The crowd screamed.

“Oh, come on, you can do better than that, let me here ya! 1.. 2..3…GO!” DJ Announced to the beat of the music.

Crowed screamed even louder.

“Make some noise for Bad Bunny!” Announced the DJ, and then Bad Bunny the Puerto Rican rapper came out and did a 40-minute set.

Everyone was having a good time, dancing and grinding on each other. 

I went up to Kong to ask him more about the contaminated Hot Pockets they were selling but when I tried to talk to him, he told me to get lost. 

Néstle wants you to know that they make billions of dollars a year destroying natural springs and exploiting communities to bottle water.  They also want to make sure that you shit blood next time you eat a Hot Pocket.