Tampa, FL– A newly-elected mayor has banned fireworks in Tampa for the foreseeable future.
The mayor, simply named “Mr. Ruffins,” has decreed that fireworks are a scourge on society and will not be tolerated in any form. Mr. Ruffins held a press conference in front of more than 300 Tampa Bay residents (mostly dogs) who howled and cried in approval.
“He’s going to be a fantastic mayor,” said new press secretary Leon S. Kennedy at the event. “Mr. Ruffins is a good boy. A very good boy. Aren’t you, Mr. Ruffins? Who’s a good boy? You are. You are!”
In addition to the fireworks ban, Mr. Ruffins has approved the following new ordinances for the city of Tampa.
* All restaurants are required to have dog treats on their menu, and a slab of peanut butter will be offered as a side dish on all meals. And if a dog sees you with food, you have to share.
* Private lawns are now acceptable bathrooms.
* Cats are under quarantine and are not allowed outside for any reason. In fact, they can just go away right now and stop acting like they’re better than everyone.
* If you go within six feet of the leash, you are required to take your dog for a walk.
* If you lose your dog, you don’t automatically get them back when they’re found. The dog gets to decide if they’d rather be in the new home or the old one. Owners will be chipped so the dog can find them if they change their mind.
* It is illegal to say “No!” in that mean tone when you don’t like something a pet did. You know what we’re talking about. Just stop it.
Mr. Ruffins hopes the fireworks ban will be followed by everyone, and the penalties for disobedience will be severe. A first offense will include shaking a finger in the person’s face using an angry voice. A second offense will include rubbing their noses in the scorched pile of fireworks. A third and final offense will get the person sent to “a farm” where they can “live” with other people who were shooting off fireworks.