New Port Richey Residents to Ring In 2021 By Spitting Directly in Each Other’s Mouths

In a crowded biker bar in New Port Richey, patrons get ready for tonight’s New Year’s Eve bash by doing anything they can to get their salivary glands stimulated. And the owners of the Sickly Rat Tavern and Motorcycle Club are more than happy to help.

“We’ve laid out quite the spread,” said Keith Calhoun, inches from our face without a mask on. “We got butterscotches, gravy, and even carafes filled with heavy cream. We’re not looking just to spit here. We’re looking for some loogies with heft. Something that hits the back of your throat like the last chunk of a Gobstopper, and just as wet with someone else’s juices, you know?”

“It’s not just a spread. It’s a super spread!” said one patron who refused to give their name and instead kept redirecting the conversation to QAnon.

 Several of the bartenders were outfitted with personal protective equipment provided by Calhoun.

“I don’t know. I don’t really feel like this is going to stop anything,” said Veronica LaFavre, pointing to the plastic bib around her neck with a picture of a spitball on it. “It just feels like we’ve kind of given up.”

One of the patrons at the bar said, “Honestly? Once 2020 is over, we can stop caring about this fake Coronavirus BS. And after tonight, my friends and I are heading right back to New York.”

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis’s spokesperson did not provide a comment for this article, but instead cackled maniacally over the phone for several minutes.