New Tampa residents petition to rebrand remainder of city “Used Tampa”
There is a growing divide between the residents of New Tampa and the remaining burroughs which comprise Tampa. The citizens of New Tampa have noticed a rise in crime, poverty, and, as one outraged local soccer mom called it, “Just out and out chicanery” in the surrounding areas.
“It’s terrible what’s going on out there,” said Erika Luzanne-Smythe, mother of a gray tabby and wine enthusiast. “The way those people live? Dreadful. Absolutely dreadful. Something must be done!”
Luzanne-Smythe visits a local area Publix for several minutes a week to seek support for her petition. There is growing support for her goal of renaming all the nearby Tampa areas as “Used Tampa”.
A couple of registered voters were reluctant to sign.
“I don’t know. Seems drastic. Maybe we call it ‘Preowned Tampa’?” said one man.
“It’s just not going to fix the problem,” said a young girl in a school uniform, never looking up from her iPad or taking off her headphones. “I mean, like, why should they still be associated with Tampa?”
A doctor still in his hospital scrubs muttered, “Nonsense. This is nonsense. Davis Island hasn’t been infested with the poors.”
This prompted Luzanne-Smythe to chase him to his Tesla and breathlessly add, “Yet.”
This got her one more signature.
Despite the occasional detractor, support continues to grow.
Luzanne-Smythe has had a couple altercations with Girl Scouts attempting to sell cookies and disabled veterans soliciting for donations. However, she finds the work she’s doing to be vital to the community.
“People aren’t doing the kind of work I am,” Luzanne-Smythe explained. “Am I saving the world? No, don’t be ridiculous. I’m just saving the people in it who matter.”
Most new support comes from the New Tampa police force. According to Sgt. Marc Harburger, this is the “breath of fresh air the city’s needed since Hurricane Irma failed to drown the homeless.”
“Look, I’m not heartless. Ask my cardiologist,” laughed Sgt. Harburger, a twenty-six year old member of the force with a pacemaker. “I’ve been to Suitcase City and it’s terrible. But, thankfully, they’re already packed.”
One of the most vocal detractors, Griffyn Sunmeadows, a yoga instructor who prides himself on humbly having the most moral positions, insists on there being a path to citizenship for displaced Tampa residents of means.
“It’s not right to just cut them out,” said Sunmeadows. “I think, at the very least, we need to offer a way for Used Tampa citizens of all races, religions, and genders – all 78 of them – to be able to immigrate to New Tampa as long as they have what matters – a healthy trust fund. We shouldn’t be judging people by their ZIP code, but by the content of their bank account,” he continued.
When presented with this argument, Luzanne-Smythe rolled her eyes, sighed, and said, “Fine, but they’ll be Refurbished Tampans.”
