Florida Senator Rick Scott was detained inside of a medical tent today, amid fears that he contracted the Coronavirus while filming an interview for Fox News in which he demonstrated his ability to bite the heads off of live animals.
“It’s part of my morning ritual,” said Scott while trying to bite the head off of a live squirrel that snuck inside of his medical tent.
“I thought you weren’t supposed to do that anymore,” I said to Scott while trying to stop him.
“It hasn’t been proven that this was how the virus spread to humans,” said Scott who was now a bit annoyed with me. “In fact, that’s a bit racist of you to imply that because I enjoy biting the heads off of live animals, this virus…”
Before he trailed off on his sentence, he bit the head off the squirrel and spit it at me.
“How do you like that?” Said Scott who was now laughing maniacally. “I scammed Medicare out of hundreds of millions of dollars, I can do whatever I want!”
Senator Scott then got naked and chased me around the medical tent. I tried to dodge him, but he leapt up in the air and tackled me to the ground, dripping animal blood on my quarantine mask.
“Now I’m going to spread this virus around the Senate and derail the impeachment hearings,” Scott said while ripping my mask off. “They won’t be able to have witnesses at the hearings if they can’t let anyone on the floor to answer questions.”
I am currently seeking treatment for the Coronavirus, but authorities are urging folks to stay away from Senator Scott and to only contact him through phone, email or writing.