Continuing his promise to make life impossible for gays in Florida, Ron DeSantis today announced that along with defunding the mental health care for Pulse nightclub shooting survivors, he will personally call each and every one of them to tell them to suck it up.
“I get it, you faggots had a bad night a couple of years ago, we all do,” said DeSantis during a drunken rant at a bar turned press conference. “Call me when you have survived multiple mass shootings.”
To clear up the record, DeSantis made sure to let us know that he himself has never survived a mass shooting.
“I wouldn’t ever put myself in the position of being in a mass shooting because I’m not gay, and I’m not a child at a public school,” said DeSantis who then proceeded to try and get the bartenders attention by waving a $20 bill around and screaming about another round.
To pass the 2020-2021 $100 billion Florida budget, DeSantis was more than happy to veto $150,000 that would have helped survivors of one of the deadliest mass shootings in Florida history, as well provide assistance for homeless LGBTQ+ youth.
“That Pulse shooting happened five years ago, we’ve had dozens of mass shootings since then,” said DeSantis after taking a shot with me. “While the State of Florida had a $6.6 billion surplus, we can’t be giving away chump change to help people.”
DeSantis then got a phone call from his wife. “Oh hey Honey!” Said the governor trying not to sound drunk, he then mimed shooting himself in the head and smiled at me while pretending to listen to his wife. “Okay yes, I’ll be home soon.”
The bartender then came up to DeSantis and told him his caravan of armored SUV’s and bodyguards had to leave.
“It’s okay, I was on my way out anyway,” said DeSantis before crushing an unopened PBR on his forehead, spraying beer everywhere. “I’ll see you faggots begging on the streets for money,” he said while flipping everyone off and being escorted out with a dozen armed security members.