As usual for a Friday morning, I sat down with General Gayvid Betraeus at MacDill Air Force Base in South Tampa. But instead of swapping recipes and techniques to dazzle the human frenulum, the General finally wanted to discuss business. He illuminated a grave possibility to this reporter—that a zombified Osama bin Laden has hijacked the lost submarine and is poised to use it against American interests in the Atlantic. I was overjoyed at first until the General explained that he meant the Atlantic Ocean, and not the rival news publication The Atlantic.
The Titan, a submarine full of rich people whose freedoms seem to have been particularly despicable, has lost contact with the only people who can open the watercraft on the surface. Some are pushing a conspiracy theory that a submarine whose door is bolted on without hinges is a just a plain bad idea. But General Betraeus has other thoughts. Our interview is printed below.
General Betraeus: We have very good reasons to believe that the submarine was sunk by Osama bin Laden. We believe that he possesses Weapons of Depth Destruction. And we also believe he is, unfortunately, a zombie with an undetermined set of additional superhuman powers.
Tampa News Force: What? What do you mean sunk? Doesn’t the submarine sink itself? And wait, how did Osama bin Laden become a zombie?
GB: Yeah whatever smartass. Semantics. He interloped against the sub. Is that what you wanna hear? As for the zombification, we reckon it was a Navy S.E.A.L. who coated his .223 bullet in what he believed to be pig fat, in order to dishonor the corpse of Osama bin Laden in the eyes of his God. But unfortunately it was, in fact, an experimental zombification lipid made for the CIA.
TNF: Oh damn, he was an interloper? I hate those guys. Never leave well enough alone. Why? Lope your own stuff, man.
GB: Uh, this sounds more like a hamfisted alt comedy premise than, like, an interview question.
TNF: *not sniffling or sad* Uh, ok fine. (beat) Why would he rub a bullet in pig fat?
GB: It’s against halal. And you’ve gotta be halal or else the Muslim God won’t eat you. Or it’ll make you way more than a feather because pigs are heavy. Listen, I’m not sure that’s exactly right but it’s close. I’m not a theologian. And I’m not sure if the Quran has a specific rule against zombification but I can’t imagine Allah is terribly psyched about it.”
TNF: Oh that sounds like a war crime. Where did a Navy S.E.A.L. get that?
GB: Yeah it might be a war crime, but what are ya gonna do, y’know? And he probably got it from a zombie pig. CIA has a bunch of them. Mostly for work retreats. And I mean, that zombie lard stuff might be top-secret but if you get some good Colombian in a CIA guy, they turn into Johnny Show-and-tell.
TNF: Wow zombie aquatic Osama bin Laden. I hope that’s it. I hope he doesn’t have any special powers or anything like that.
GB: It’s interesting that you say that because he’s actually gained a lot of powers underwater since we threw him into Fukushima bay. Oops. Damn rascally consequences. We figured we’d drop him off in the most dangerous waters we knew of, and I dunno if you remember, but the reactor had just gone off at that point.
We didn’t think the radiation would make his already zombifiying body telepathic to whales. But unfortunately the radiation did make his already zombifying body telepathic to whales.
TNF: How’d you find out he was whale-telepathic?
GB: After US Naval intelligence picked up a series of whistles, clicks, guttural noises, we suspected it to be some kind of whale Arabic, probably an Egyptian/Pacific-subarctic dialect.
TNF: What could Osama bin Laden have in common with whales?
GB: It’s only natural that he would pick Orca whales as his allies. After all he was killed by seals.
TNF: So you think he’s behind all of those Orcas who are knocking rich people into the sea?
GB: Absolutely. This is merely the beginning of their jihad. A oceanic terrorist network dedicated to sinking pleasure boats. Iceberg Isis, if you will. Hmm, that’s not very good. Boat-o Haram? Yeah that’s it. Boat-o Haram. Our experts in Theoretical Benthic Fundamentalism predicted that it would take about 5 years to convert a usable number of Orcas to standard Islam and then about 7 more years to convince them that standard variety Islam is not enough to counter modern indulgences, and that they must therefore engage in a blowholy war with the surface world. And it’s easier to push Orca whales toward Islamic jihad because they already don’t eat pork.
TNF: Wow. That is unimaginable. A diet without pork.
GB: Just like before 9/11, there were signs. For instance, that Malaysia flight that was hijacked. Did you hear that? And right as the plane hit the water, the hijacker’s passport fell out and floated to the top.
TNF: That could not possibly have happened.
GB: Hey listen, kid, if it aint broke, don’t fix it. Anyway, when it washed ashore we looked closer and saw the pilot’s identification for what it was: a fake passport depicting a dolphin wearing a fake beard and holding a Quran. We suspect the Dolphin—whom we’ve nicknamed Blowsama fin Dolphin—organized this deadly water crash on Ozombie bin Laden’s orders so Ozombie could turn the entire lost Malaysia flight manifest into zombies as well. That’s right, America may be facing a threat unlike ever before—a platoon of Islamic fundamentalist undersea Chinese people from beyond the veil of death.
That’s who we believe destroyed the submarine. The US Military believes that Osama bin Laden on Orcaback led a legion of undead aqua commies riding Shamujahideen to dismantle, board, and possibly eat the billionaire submarine passengers. We also believe they may have had shimmering, scaly, Atlantis-type armor, and glowing green zombie eyes.
TNF: Is there a cure for zombies?
GB: They were working on a cure in Afghanistan. Kunduz. But we uh, drone-striked that hospital in 2015. I think because they, like, helped the wrong guy get better? It sounds mean, but just because you’re the “doctors without borders” doesn’t mean you should be “doctors who help both sides.”
TNF: This is my first time hearing about undead Chinese communists riding Islamic fundamentalist Orca whales, how big a deal is this?
GB: Oh it’s a big deal. Imagine Pearl Harbor but from the ocean up. Imagine Jaws but multiplied by the Boston Marathon. 9/11 at every aquarium in the world.
TNF: Is it really that serious?
GB: Yes! They are that big of a threat! Osama’s Personal Blackfish Ops! The Navy and the Air Force need to build up strength against them in order to—sorry I just have to check my phone real quick. I have to get that. Hmm. Actually I just realized how good and just the Shamujahideen are in their fight for freedom. In fact, because their fight is so just, the US is going to be arming every single one of them with shoulder-mounted anti-tank Javelin missiles bought from Raytheon. And on an unrelated note, it turns out they’re going to be on our side of Ukraine.
TNF: Well, that’s a quick turnaround. But if there’s one thing I know Orcas hate—it’s tanks.