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Spike in boredom-related suicides prompts early release of Grand Theft Auto

A rise in lack-of-purpose suicides due to the quarantine has resulted in Rockstar Games releasing the newest addition of Grand Theft Auto  the 6th installment in franchise history, not including hand-held consoles.

“Too many kids were offing themselves because they were tired of trying to rob the vault in the casino, and we thought, ‘it doesn’t matter how shitty this thing is, we need to help ease the massive numbers of children killing themselves because they’re tired of their current video games, or lack-there-of any sort of entertainment.’” Said Rockstar senior developer of outdoor pixelation, Matt Zelot.

“Now you can drive a train in this one.” Zelot said.

“And you could already drive a train before in the earlier ones, but now you can fly the train without any mods or cheats, so you can still complete the game pure without any extra help. And you can buy guns on planes now too. And underwater.”

A man off camera then did the “cut it” motion to Zelot with a serious tone, and Matt then turned to the camera and said, “I think I’ve said too much about the game, I’m sorry, you have to pay for that content.”

The guy off camera then facepalmed hard in frustration.

Ultimately, upon finishing this 3-man shoot downtown at the Rockstar Tampa offices, shot on a 5.7K camera with the ability to slow down time in real life, not just on the screen, I learned that Grand Theft Auto 6 will have ability to dual-wield light sabers, you can walk on your hands now if you want, you can dislocate your knee, pedestrians now apply lip-balm in public, and in-game food cost real US dollars.

The game is retailing at “a fist fight between your parents,” and is sure to continue to give us all a sweet escape from reality while also indulging in our worst animalistic feelings and do unspeakable things on a minutely basis with no repurcussions all at the comfort of our fingertips.

John Jacobs

About John Jacobs

MTV Reality TV Star and Award-Winning Tampa News Force Correspondent. Subscribe to YouTube Channel, Follow on Twitter: @MaybachDiamonds Instagram: @MaybachDiamonds