David A. Straz, Jr. Center for the Performing Arts – Hillsborough County -Tuesday, 4.23.2019
In an unprecedented move, the new official and legally elected mayor, David Straz, has made Tampa great again within a mere matter of moments.
“I said I was going to do it and I did it,” said Straz, towering over all, glorious. “I’m going to be the best dang mayor you’ve ever rooten-tooten dun-did see.” Straz then began to do a dance, and it was sick.
Tampa has lowered all taxes by 69% because it’s funny, and raised all overtime-bonus wages to 10,000% because who gives a damn? The sky is clear and beautiful every day now and everyone gets to where they want to be on time. City council chairman all have boats now, and judges get to make their own hours.
Also, the Straz center downtown is like twelve times bigger. And the river is alcohol year-round, and not just on St. Patricks day. Also, every Tampa team is undefeated now, and wins the championship every single year, because David Straz has brought the spirit of winning back to the city, single-handedly, and he did it with ease.
It’s like he didn’t spend all that money on those awful commercials. Brutal! Have you seen those, oh my God! So funny! The acting! But yea, Davie Straz, King of Tampa, supreme ruler, is bringing sexy back to the city and it’s showing. You look to your left, you look to your right, what do you see? Success. Yes.
He’s brought back the spirit of success. Because he’s a senior citizen! So that means he’s senior! He deserves this! He earned this. Like LeBron James. Or Lyndon B. Johnson. The mentality of a winner. The heart of a lion. A senior lion. Like LeBron James! That hairline! Come on!
David Straz will now look down from his tower every evening and feast his eyes upon a city under his control. Every wish and whim he has can be fulfilled, just like he always wanted. Also again, I’d like to clarify, that this is not the same David Straz that’s running for mayor in Tampa. This is another guy. For legal reasons I can’t stress this point enough. This isn’t real. Goodnight. (Rock-a-bye baby starts playing.)