David Straz: “I bought Tampa News Force, what more do you people want?”

There’s an old gambling term known as “the hole”. It’s when some degenerate addicted to the endorphin rush realizes he’s so deep in the hole and blown enough money that the only option is to keep going, hit after hit and pray that sooner or later it will work out. Unfortunately it usually ends poorly.

In totally unrelated news, I, David Straz am running for Mayor. 

I’ve been proud to call Tampa home (part-time anyway) for years. When I see this city, I see a city full of dreamers, imagineers, visionaries and incredible time share investment potentials. My whole political career I’ve been proud to be a democrat* and I’m proud of the power of dreams that resides in me for this great city, just imagine! 

You know what, I can’t do this anymore, look I need you guys to vote for me. I’ve tried it all, I bought all the signs, I bought all those attack ads involving ice cream metaphors and disgraced cops calling my opponent a liar, I tried spinning the fact that I’m a billionaire to the idea that I’m not beholden to special interests, I EVEN BROUGHT OUT A FOLKSY BROOM AND MADE SOME VIRAL SONGS.

So what do you all want? A car? Because Chevys come cheap and that’s probably good enough for you plebs. I figured I spent enough money on all these tv spots that I might as well buy this website while I’m at it. I figure that’s more beer for them and more articles like “Local Astronaut confused by 2001: Strip Club” or whatever: 

David Straz is a philanthropist and banker. He has run one of the most expensive mayoral campaigns in history and has somehow made Jane Castor look cool.

*Mr. Straz was a registered Republican and fundraiser  for Donald Trump in 2016. This is his first race, he changed his registration in 2018-Ed.